Sometimes I wonder if he ever looked into my baby blue eyes n asked him did I just father the most insignificant asshole of the twenty-first century?

I'm cranky. No cranky is an understatement. I am downright just pissed off. This will be a massive tangent about work. And for that I apologize, I mean really who wants to hear about deli drama at a grocery store? I work my ass off. No literally, I run around that deli like its a track, a triathalon is a better way to put it. I do things that others can't and am as close to full time as one could get. I make sandwhiches and all the crappy little things that need to be put out for hungry customers. Then after a long day of working and staying another half hour over my scheduled time, I get poked at. "Madame is slow and needs to make sandwhiches a little faster." "Do ya see how she cuts the bread so unevenely?" Massive giggles in the breakroom erupt and i stare in silence wondering wtf i did to deserve that kind of remark. Granted they were just poking fun. BUT it's not fun. I ask for a raise get laughed at, and deal with sooo much shit that others wouldn't dream of putting up with back there. So I told my laughing manager she can do the island stuff from now on since I am not up to her standards and then said but it may require waiting on people... And she gave me the same look i had when she was giggling. She doesn't do anything. Pretty sure she could be partially unalive for how much she actually contributes. WOOPIE she can order, pretty sure if I was taught legitimately I could do her job. I hate that place. I hate it more than anything. EVER.


I hate this unsettled feeling of what's right and wrong and what I need and what I don't. I wish I could just go up to a counter and order what kinda guy I would like, and within five minutes *DING* your orders ready. It's not that I'm not happy with what I have now...He's sweet, and likes football and playing guitar, and writing songs (one about me which pretty much makes a girl weak in the knees) he's smart and knows what he wants...Which is pretty sexy. Then I am all hung up on the ex we'll call him tiger just for old time sake. He's just security, with a shmexy bod and beautiful sideburns, he makes me laugh, I can be 100% myself with him, sometimes though i felt like there wasn't always a spark but there is obviously something since I am drawn to him, but not only that, there is a huge history there. He wants me to open up and talk to him about some things and I don't know how to. Basically it goes is it ever gonna happen or isn't it? And if it is are the relationships we are in worth hurting? I don't know. I can't gurentee that. Besides right now i like this other guy a lot because it's simple and not complicated and I need that. I need the feeling of a vacation he gives me and makes feel wanted, i love that feeling. And with the tiger I'm not really wanted, more or less I feel like a side project and I dislike that feeling.

Uneasy.

I dunno where to even start or how this even started. Maybe it started from the moment I kissed you in a kitchen, or the moment we slow danced to stairway to heaven by led zepplin. Maybe it was the moment we fell in and outta love or the moment you....deflowered me. I don't really know when it started or why, I just know that i laid eyes on you and I have always felt something. No mater if we were broken up or together, I turn to you every single step of the way. You have always been my support system, my best friend and my lover turned in to one beautiful individual. Even now we turn to eachother for that support. Even after the numerous times I broke your heart your still there for me. Why? I have never seen so much drive in one person. It baffles me you stilll have some fight in you for me. It actually makes me feel loved more than before. And I am sorry. SO sorry I hurt you. I was merely a tiny child unsure of her wants and her desires and had you and lost you. 2-3 years have gone by and yet we still play this game. Why? Is it fate? And why am I the last to know.