I love you.
I see you and my stomach does flips. Even with a look in my eyes my world turns upside down. I love you're aroma I love being so close to you, the world stops whenever I am with you. When I saw you standing there it was breathtaking. I wanted to capture that moment and never forget, and i don't think I can. I swear I could just look at you and my life would just be complete. I don't know how else to express this. I love you. I haven't had this feeling of refreshment in decades. But I feel like its goin to be taken from me all too fast. I just want to be by your side. I want to be yours forever. I don't want to have you disappear for months and I don't know how I am gonna handle this. It hurts. Its tearing me apart from the inside out. I don't want to lose you, this feeling of completeness and it scares the living hell out of me because I have never felt this way before. Complete, and that all together scares me. How am I gonna handle life when you're not around for the next 6 months to a year. I worry you're gonna go off to war and die, and that scares me even more. Not only would you be gone in a foreign country, you'd be gone forever. And I don't want that. I get you want to protect the nation and do something thats honorable thats so great and i am so proud of you but it eats at me knowing that you could be taken away in an instant second. I love you and the rush of emotions inside is making me stir and and act unusual, but then you can take the pain away by just a smirk and and a stare in my eyes. The way you're eyes crinkle when you smile, the way you kiss my hand, the way that you and i share secret smiles n everything when no one else is watching takes the searing pain away. I don't want to lose you. But I fear all good things come to an end.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Its really good to hear your voice, saying my name it sounds so sweet!
I like voicemails. I like the fact that you can save them and listen to them on repeat daily as if they were just sent. Would I do that? Well maybe sure. Okay yes, yes I would. Now tell me how you kiddlings would feel about an adult prom? Yes adult prom. I am so envious of all these kiddies trying on dresses going to prom while mine sits in the closet and is tortured because I can't wear it. Ug. Its going down. This adult prom. I am stoked.
Its almost february. That means only eight more weeks till April. Eight more weeks till the love that i am longing for. Anyways this blog had no point. Just to say that by golly the packers are going to the superbowl, I am planning an adult prom, I have a sinus infection linked with an upper respiritory infection. Dinners with Vinny's family is kinda soothing yet hurts at the same time, and also i miss my crotches these days. I like this feeling of soberity though. I feel stronger healthier and less angered. anyways. I can't wait to start going to a gym and working out. Plenty of my aggression shall be worked out. How great will that be. Now, sweet dreams are made of these.
xoxo,
Madame Mediocre
Its almost february. That means only eight more weeks till April. Eight more weeks till the love that i am longing for. Anyways this blog had no point. Just to say that by golly the packers are going to the superbowl, I am planning an adult prom, I have a sinus infection linked with an upper respiritory infection. Dinners with Vinny's family is kinda soothing yet hurts at the same time, and also i miss my crotches these days. I like this feeling of soberity though. I feel stronger healthier and less angered. anyways. I can't wait to start going to a gym and working out. Plenty of my aggression shall be worked out. How great will that be. Now, sweet dreams are made of these.
xoxo,
Madame Mediocre
Sunday, January 16, 2011
I miss you so much my liver hurts
I swear sometimes I have the genetic makeup of an alcholic. No scratch that, I probably could be if I am not careful. I turn to booze when things hurt, and I just feel i can't handle things always because I get overstressed about everything. Maybe its not even stress...I know madame shouldn't whine, but realize that madame has her feminine time, and its making her even more utterly crazy than the norm. I feel everything that could possibly stress me out is making my eyelashes fall out ( :( ) which for everyone who knows me is a terrrible thing because I love Mascrea more than any other make up on the planet. ANYWAYS. My face is broken out, my body is aching, sinuses are to the point they are so bad that blood is flowing when i blow them, I feel rundown and just utterly lowsy. I feel that the winter weather doesn't help my condition any...The lack of sunlight in my life just downright sucks. The fact that I am also turning more pale than a vampire just downright is the lamest thing also.
Did I tell you wonderous readers I am dating someone new? Alright, as for you that are probably shaking your head at Madame's boy ADD, I feel I can explain why I relationship swapped this time, for I feel will be the last until something good happens or another masacre occurs. The 1st since the sire incident was a rebound, as harsh as that sounds... the next was me trying to fullfill my want of dating a so called bad boy and that didn't end well due to the fact there was too much cling, partying and so on and so forth, and now there is this one. I am going to just call him Vinny because he looks like Vinny from the ridiculous Jersey Shore. Vinny and I share the oddest bond ever. From the moment I met him it was instant attraction. Maybe its the fact that he has all the qualities I normally go for in male specimen... ( Dark hair, nice physique, pretty teeth and some facial hair) Vinny (both Jersey shore and my own :P) are that to a T. Not only the look thing, but we both make mixes of cds from varying through any sort of music depending on the mood we are in, both are movie buffs, kinda gaming nerds, enjoys X-men, never really like hurting people (though we both have and did in the process), love for John Cena haha, we are both fairly competitive, and are really goofy. He was the only guy on the planet that has ever serenaded me, opened car doors and doors in general for me, doesn't treat me like a piece of meat, doesn't get jealous over guy friends no matter how many I seem to have, isn't afraid to just be affectionate in public (though some may find that overbearing, I find it slightly sweet) and he wants me to be close to his family. Vinny though, decided it would be a good thing to sign up for the Army and go away to Georgia for 3 months.... As proud of I am for him wanting to make his dreams and stuff come true, part of me, the selfish skankbag just wants him here...The month we did get to spend together didn't seem like a month even at all....More like a week. And as odd and wrong as this is going to sound...I can picture a happily ever after with him. Please don't read this thinking, "Has madame gone bonkers?" because for 1. We all realize I have always been a little off my rocker, 2. I know what I want and I am not going to give it up for some stupid distance or anything 3. I have never felt so comforted yet have so many butterflies at the same time, it's like a good balence of eachother. So now I sit and count the days until he comes home, waiting, trying to occupy my time by working and school, and lately the dumb thing of drinking. I miss you so much my liver hurts...Just because I did the dumb thing of coping with the booze. I feel like I can't talk about how bad it hurts that you aren't around because that makes me sound weak and like some sort of basketcase because we haven't been together that long, but you told me you loved me and the feeling is mutual. I don't want to rush into things...And at this point I really can't because you aren't even here. It hurts watching happy couples being all sweet with there affectionate hugs and kisses, making me long for yours even more....I feel like we just have some odd universal understanding that no one else can get but you and I and without you here it just sucks. I realize people are here for me but it doesn't fill the void of where you are suppose to be. This wouldn't suck as much if we could communicate. I realize I can write and will be writing...And I hope that he knows those letters will be read everysingle night until he gets back. I am one lovesick puppy with a wounded heart. I just wish he was here to take the edge off the rest of the stress with school, work, friends, family, ect... I realize others may try, but its not the same it's not what I want and for that I feel like a bad person because whomever tries to make me happy, it only goes so far.
I need an outlet. A healthier one obbbbviously. Starting Friday I am going to start running. Get in shape so I can blow everyones minds! I just wish that I could change so manythings at once, but realize I have to take one friggin step at a time. Until then. Happy New Years... And I hope everyone is sticking to thier resolutions like I am trying to haha.
Did I tell you wonderous readers I am dating someone new? Alright, as for you that are probably shaking your head at Madame's boy ADD, I feel I can explain why I relationship swapped this time, for I feel will be the last until something good happens or another masacre occurs. The 1st since the sire incident was a rebound, as harsh as that sounds... the next was me trying to fullfill my want of dating a so called bad boy and that didn't end well due to the fact there was too much cling, partying and so on and so forth, and now there is this one. I am going to just call him Vinny because he looks like Vinny from the ridiculous Jersey Shore. Vinny and I share the oddest bond ever. From the moment I met him it was instant attraction. Maybe its the fact that he has all the qualities I normally go for in male specimen... ( Dark hair, nice physique, pretty teeth and some facial hair) Vinny (both Jersey shore and my own :P) are that to a T. Not only the look thing, but we both make mixes of cds from varying through any sort of music depending on the mood we are in, both are movie buffs, kinda gaming nerds, enjoys X-men, never really like hurting people (though we both have and did in the process), love for John Cena haha, we are both fairly competitive, and are really goofy. He was the only guy on the planet that has ever serenaded me, opened car doors and doors in general for me, doesn't treat me like a piece of meat, doesn't get jealous over guy friends no matter how many I seem to have, isn't afraid to just be affectionate in public (though some may find that overbearing, I find it slightly sweet) and he wants me to be close to his family. Vinny though, decided it would be a good thing to sign up for the Army and go away to Georgia for 3 months.... As proud of I am for him wanting to make his dreams and stuff come true, part of me, the selfish skankbag just wants him here...The month we did get to spend together didn't seem like a month even at all....More like a week. And as odd and wrong as this is going to sound...I can picture a happily ever after with him. Please don't read this thinking, "Has madame gone bonkers?" because for 1. We all realize I have always been a little off my rocker, 2. I know what I want and I am not going to give it up for some stupid distance or anything 3. I have never felt so comforted yet have so many butterflies at the same time, it's like a good balence of eachother. So now I sit and count the days until he comes home, waiting, trying to occupy my time by working and school, and lately the dumb thing of drinking. I miss you so much my liver hurts...Just because I did the dumb thing of coping with the booze. I feel like I can't talk about how bad it hurts that you aren't around because that makes me sound weak and like some sort of basketcase because we haven't been together that long, but you told me you loved me and the feeling is mutual. I don't want to rush into things...And at this point I really can't because you aren't even here. It hurts watching happy couples being all sweet with there affectionate hugs and kisses, making me long for yours even more....I feel like we just have some odd universal understanding that no one else can get but you and I and without you here it just sucks. I realize people are here for me but it doesn't fill the void of where you are suppose to be. This wouldn't suck as much if we could communicate. I realize I can write and will be writing...And I hope that he knows those letters will be read everysingle night until he gets back. I am one lovesick puppy with a wounded heart. I just wish he was here to take the edge off the rest of the stress with school, work, friends, family, ect... I realize others may try, but its not the same it's not what I want and for that I feel like a bad person because whomever tries to make me happy, it only goes so far.
I need an outlet. A healthier one obbbbviously. Starting Friday I am going to start running. Get in shape so I can blow everyones minds! I just wish that I could change so manythings at once, but realize I have to take one friggin step at a time. Until then. Happy New Years... And I hope everyone is sticking to thier resolutions like I am trying to haha.
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