Drunk off eachother til, nothin but the sun rise

I love you.

I see you and my stomach does flips. Even with a look in my eyes my world turns upside down. I love you're aroma I love being so close to you, the world stops whenever I am with you. When I saw you standing there it was breathtaking. I wanted to capture that moment and never forget, and i don't think I can. I swear I could just look at you and my life would just be complete. I don't know how else to express this. I love you. I haven't had this feeling of refreshment in decades. But I feel like its goin to be taken from me all too fast. I just want to be by your side. I want to be yours forever. I don't want to have you disappear for months and I don't know how I am gonna handle this. It hurts. Its tearing me apart from the inside out. I don't want to lose you, this feeling of completeness and it scares the living hell out of me because I have never felt this way before. Complete, and that all together scares me. How am I gonna handle life when you're not around for the next 6 months to a year. I worry you're gonna go off to war and die, and that scares me even more. Not only would you be gone in a foreign country, you'd be gone forever. And I don't want that. I get you want to protect the nation and do something thats honorable thats so great and i am so proud of you but it eats at me knowing that you could be taken away in an instant second. I love you and the rush of emotions inside is making me stir and and act unusual, but then you can take the pain away by just a smirk and and a stare in my eyes. The way you're eyes crinkle when you smile, the way you kiss my hand, the way that you and i share secret smiles n everything when no one else is watching takes the searing pain away. I don't want to lose you. But I fear all good things come to an end.

Its really good to hear your voice, saying my name it sounds so sweet!

I like voicemails. I like the fact that you can save them and listen to them on repeat daily as if they were just sent. Would I do that? Well maybe sure. Okay yes, yes I would. Now tell me how you kiddlings would feel about an adult prom? Yes adult prom. I am so envious of all these kiddies trying on dresses going to prom while mine sits in the closet and is tortured because I can't wear it. Ug. Its going down. This adult prom. I am stoked.

Its almost february. That means only eight more weeks till April. Eight more weeks till the love that i am longing for. Anyways this blog had no point. Just to say that by golly the packers are going to the superbowl, I am planning an adult prom, I have a sinus infection linked with an upper respiritory infection. Dinners with Vinny's family is kinda soothing yet hurts at the same time, and also i miss my crotches these days. I like this feeling of soberity though. I feel stronger healthier and less angered. anyways. I can't wait to start going to a gym and working out. Plenty of my aggression shall be worked out. How great will that be. Now, sweet dreams are made of these.

xoxo,
Madame Mediocre

I miss you so much my liver hurts

I swear sometimes I have the genetic makeup of an alcholic. No scratch that, I probably could be if I am not careful. I turn to booze when things hurt, and I just feel i can't handle things always because I get overstressed about everything. Maybe its not even stress...I know madame shouldn't whine, but realize that madame has her feminine time, and its making her even more utterly crazy than the norm. I feel everything that could possibly stress me out is making my eyelashes fall out ( :( ) which for everyone who knows me is a terrrible thing because I love Mascrea more than any other make up on the planet. ANYWAYS. My face is broken out, my body is aching, sinuses are to the point they are so bad that blood is flowing when i blow them, I feel rundown and just utterly lowsy. I feel that the winter weather doesn't help my condition any...The lack of sunlight in my life just downright sucks. The fact that I am also turning more pale than a vampire just downright is the lamest thing also.

Did I tell you wonderous readers I am dating someone new? Alright, as for you that are probably shaking your head at Madame's boy ADD, I feel I can explain why I relationship swapped this time, for I feel will be the last until something good happens or another masacre occurs. The 1st since the sire incident was a rebound, as harsh as that sounds... the next was me trying to fullfill my want of dating a so called bad boy and that didn't end well due to the fact there was too much cling, partying and so on and so forth, and now there is this one. I am going to just call him Vinny because he looks like Vinny from the ridiculous Jersey Shore. Vinny and I share the oddest bond ever. From the moment I met him it was instant attraction. Maybe its the fact that he has all the qualities I normally go for in male specimen... ( Dark hair, nice physique, pretty teeth and some facial hair) Vinny (both Jersey shore and my own :P) are that to a T. Not only the look thing, but we both make mixes of cds from varying through any sort of music depending on the mood we are in, both are movie buffs, kinda gaming nerds, enjoys X-men, never really like hurting people (though we both have and did in the process), love for John Cena haha, we are both fairly competitive, and are really goofy. He was the only guy on the planet that has ever serenaded me, opened car doors and doors in general for me, doesn't treat me like a piece of meat, doesn't get jealous over guy friends no matter how many I seem to have, isn't afraid to just be affectionate in public (though some may find that overbearing, I find it slightly sweet) and he wants me to be close to his family. Vinny though, decided it would be a good thing to sign up for the Army and go away to Georgia for 3 months.... As proud of I am for him wanting to make his dreams and stuff come true, part of me, the selfish skankbag just wants him here...The month we did get to spend together didn't seem like a month even at all....More like a week. And as odd and wrong as this is going to sound...I can picture a happily ever after with him. Please don't read this thinking, "Has madame gone bonkers?" because for 1. We all realize I have always been a little off my rocker, 2. I know what I want and I am not going to give it up for some stupid distance or anything 3. I have never felt so comforted yet have so many butterflies at the same time, it's like a good balence of eachother. So now I sit and count the days until he comes home, waiting, trying to occupy my time by working and school, and lately the dumb thing of drinking. I miss you so much my liver hurts...Just because I did the dumb thing of coping with the booze. I feel like I can't talk about how bad it hurts that you aren't around because that makes me sound weak and like some sort of basketcase because we haven't been together that long, but you told me you loved me and the feeling is mutual. I don't want to rush into things...And at this point I really can't because you aren't even here. It hurts watching happy couples being all sweet with there affectionate hugs and kisses, making me long for yours even more....I feel like we just have some odd universal understanding that no one else can get but you and I and without you here it just sucks. I realize people are here for me but it doesn't fill the void of where you are suppose to be. This wouldn't suck as much if we could communicate. I realize I can write and will be writing...And I hope that he knows those letters will be read everysingle night until he gets back. I am one lovesick puppy with a wounded heart. I just wish he was here to take the edge off the rest of the stress with school, work, friends, family, ect... I realize others may try, but its not the same it's not what I want and for that I feel like a bad person because whomever tries to make me happy, it only goes so far.

I need an outlet. A healthier one obbbbviously. Starting Friday I am going to start running. Get in shape so I can blow everyones minds! I just wish that I could change so manythings at once, but realize I have to take one friggin step at a time. Until then. Happy New Years... And I hope everyone is sticking to thier resolutions like I am trying to haha.

We're gonna break in the new year the right way

What a year.

School. A massacre of all breakups that suck the life out of you until NOW. It's time. It's time for change and its time to move on and do something. So for the New year I want several a thangs. How about some resolutions to issues.

1) I want to do better in school. I switched my program to go into Human Services which is kinda exciting.
2) Get a second job waitressing like 3 nights a week along with maintain the same shitty shifts at the place that i love to hate...Pick n Slave.
3) I don't want to drink as much. Social drinking fine, but drinking to the point of disgustingness and drunkenness.
4) Stay in this relationship even though he's gonna be gone for ages, but letters and stuff are sweet and I like him way alot and I like that things are the way they are and i like him. :) I can have an attention span for someone that plays me the backstreet boys, loves Megan Fox and enjoys Seann William Scott. Not only that.... He's got rock hard abs and a perfect smile.. I think I have died and gone to heaven.
5) I need to work out. I need to go to a gym and get this flab into nice ab?? Yeah I tried to rhyme but that didn't work.
6) Try not to take things so personally.
7) Move out by the summer.
8) Manage my time way more wisely.
9) Go out of state for a week-a weekend
10) Just try to keep a positive attitude, even when things look down.

Yup Yay for new Years and yay for change.

Swallow my doubt...Turn it inside out.

I'm confused. i don't really know what else to say. I am just legit confused about things. I don't know if its worth it to stay with someone who...is so selfish? Maybe selfish isn't the right word...I can't please everyone all the time. Though I wish i totally could i can't. It sucks. Maybe we've spent too much time together lately. Maybe I feel like you take advantage of me in ways. I mean you guilt trip me because i can't spend every waking second with you...I mean that kinda makes me feel mega smothered. I like the attention sure, but its not the kinda attention I like. I don't like that you made me cry twice in one day. I don't like fact that he thinks I am some kind of mircale given to him to help him outta his rut...I can't. I don't feel like that great person you described me as I really kinda hate it. It makes me feel like I am some unreal person. I don't think I am that great. I am just meeeee.... He calls me beautiful and stuff alot and I just ugh I don't know...I am way too annoyed right now. I am sick of partying. I am sick of drinking. I am sick of becoming a dragon, i am sick of thinking about you right now. Its confusing me. I don't like feeling pressured that I am the one thats gonna turn your life around. I am so confused

We are who we are

I hate days like today. I hated thinking about the sire days today and having flashbacks in my head. It made me slightly queesy and uneasy thinking about it. Thinkinga bout it makes me feel like I lost who that person was. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It just kinda is odd knowing I am not the same girl I was in July, like the world has shifted and pangea fell apart. Not saying I don't know who I am anymore, just saying that its odd because I have doing certain things that are quite outta character to who I once was...If that even makes any sense at all.

Sometimes I wonder if he ever looked into my baby blue eyes n asked him did I just father the most insignificant asshole of the twenty-first century?

I'm cranky. No cranky is an understatement. I am downright just pissed off. This will be a massive tangent about work. And for that I apologize, I mean really who wants to hear about deli drama at a grocery store? I work my ass off. No literally, I run around that deli like its a track, a triathalon is a better way to put it. I do things that others can't and am as close to full time as one could get. I make sandwhiches and all the crappy little things that need to be put out for hungry customers. Then after a long day of working and staying another half hour over my scheduled time, I get poked at. "Madame is slow and needs to make sandwhiches a little faster." "Do ya see how she cuts the bread so unevenely?" Massive giggles in the breakroom erupt and i stare in silence wondering wtf i did to deserve that kind of remark. Granted they were just poking fun. BUT it's not fun. I ask for a raise get laughed at, and deal with sooo much shit that others wouldn't dream of putting up with back there. So I told my laughing manager she can do the island stuff from now on since I am not up to her standards and then said but it may require waiting on people... And she gave me the same look i had when she was giggling. She doesn't do anything. Pretty sure she could be partially unalive for how much she actually contributes. WOOPIE she can order, pretty sure if I was taught legitimately I could do her job. I hate that place. I hate it more than anything. EVER.


I hate this unsettled feeling of what's right and wrong and what I need and what I don't. I wish I could just go up to a counter and order what kinda guy I would like, and within five minutes *DING* your orders ready. It's not that I'm not happy with what I have now...He's sweet, and likes football and playing guitar, and writing songs (one about me which pretty much makes a girl weak in the knees) he's smart and knows what he wants...Which is pretty sexy. Then I am all hung up on the ex we'll call him tiger just for old time sake. He's just security, with a shmexy bod and beautiful sideburns, he makes me laugh, I can be 100% myself with him, sometimes though i felt like there wasn't always a spark but there is obviously something since I am drawn to him, but not only that, there is a huge history there. He wants me to open up and talk to him about some things and I don't know how to. Basically it goes is it ever gonna happen or isn't it? And if it is are the relationships we are in worth hurting? I don't know. I can't gurentee that. Besides right now i like this other guy a lot because it's simple and not complicated and I need that. I need the feeling of a vacation he gives me and makes feel wanted, i love that feeling. And with the tiger I'm not really wanted, more or less I feel like a side project and I dislike that feeling.