Swallow my doubt...Turn it inside out.

I'm confused. i don't really know what else to say. I am just legit confused about things. I don't know if its worth it to stay with someone who...is so selfish? Maybe selfish isn't the right word...I can't please everyone all the time. Though I wish i totally could i can't. It sucks. Maybe we've spent too much time together lately. Maybe I feel like you take advantage of me in ways. I mean you guilt trip me because i can't spend every waking second with you...I mean that kinda makes me feel mega smothered. I like the attention sure, but its not the kinda attention I like. I don't like that you made me cry twice in one day. I don't like fact that he thinks I am some kind of mircale given to him to help him outta his rut...I can't. I don't feel like that great person you described me as I really kinda hate it. It makes me feel like I am some unreal person. I don't think I am that great. I am just meeeee.... He calls me beautiful and stuff alot and I just ugh I don't know...I am way too annoyed right now. I am sick of partying. I am sick of drinking. I am sick of becoming a dragon, i am sick of thinking about you right now. Its confusing me. I don't like feeling pressured that I am the one thats gonna turn your life around. I am so confused

We are who we are

I hate days like today. I hated thinking about the sire days today and having flashbacks in my head. It made me slightly queesy and uneasy thinking about it. Thinkinga bout it makes me feel like I lost who that person was. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It just kinda is odd knowing I am not the same girl I was in July, like the world has shifted and pangea fell apart. Not saying I don't know who I am anymore, just saying that its odd because I have doing certain things that are quite outta character to who I once was...If that even makes any sense at all.

Sometimes I wonder if he ever looked into my baby blue eyes n asked him did I just father the most insignificant asshole of the twenty-first century?

I'm cranky. No cranky is an understatement. I am downright just pissed off. This will be a massive tangent about work. And for that I apologize, I mean really who wants to hear about deli drama at a grocery store? I work my ass off. No literally, I run around that deli like its a track, a triathalon is a better way to put it. I do things that others can't and am as close to full time as one could get. I make sandwhiches and all the crappy little things that need to be put out for hungry customers. Then after a long day of working and staying another half hour over my scheduled time, I get poked at. "Madame is slow and needs to make sandwhiches a little faster." "Do ya see how she cuts the bread so unevenely?" Massive giggles in the breakroom erupt and i stare in silence wondering wtf i did to deserve that kind of remark. Granted they were just poking fun. BUT it's not fun. I ask for a raise get laughed at, and deal with sooo much shit that others wouldn't dream of putting up with back there. So I told my laughing manager she can do the island stuff from now on since I am not up to her standards and then said but it may require waiting on people... And she gave me the same look i had when she was giggling. She doesn't do anything. Pretty sure she could be partially unalive for how much she actually contributes. WOOPIE she can order, pretty sure if I was taught legitimately I could do her job. I hate that place. I hate it more than anything. EVER.


I hate this unsettled feeling of what's right and wrong and what I need and what I don't. I wish I could just go up to a counter and order what kinda guy I would like, and within five minutes *DING* your orders ready. It's not that I'm not happy with what I have now...He's sweet, and likes football and playing guitar, and writing songs (one about me which pretty much makes a girl weak in the knees) he's smart and knows what he wants...Which is pretty sexy. Then I am all hung up on the ex we'll call him tiger just for old time sake. He's just security, with a shmexy bod and beautiful sideburns, he makes me laugh, I can be 100% myself with him, sometimes though i felt like there wasn't always a spark but there is obviously something since I am drawn to him, but not only that, there is a huge history there. He wants me to open up and talk to him about some things and I don't know how to. Basically it goes is it ever gonna happen or isn't it? And if it is are the relationships we are in worth hurting? I don't know. I can't gurentee that. Besides right now i like this other guy a lot because it's simple and not complicated and I need that. I need the feeling of a vacation he gives me and makes feel wanted, i love that feeling. And with the tiger I'm not really wanted, more or less I feel like a side project and I dislike that feeling.

Uneasy.

I dunno where to even start or how this even started. Maybe it started from the moment I kissed you in a kitchen, or the moment we slow danced to stairway to heaven by led zepplin. Maybe it was the moment we fell in and outta love or the moment you....deflowered me. I don't really know when it started or why, I just know that i laid eyes on you and I have always felt something. No mater if we were broken up or together, I turn to you every single step of the way. You have always been my support system, my best friend and my lover turned in to one beautiful individual. Even now we turn to eachother for that support. Even after the numerous times I broke your heart your still there for me. Why? I have never seen so much drive in one person. It baffles me you stilll have some fight in you for me. It actually makes me feel loved more than before. And I am sorry. SO sorry I hurt you. I was merely a tiny child unsure of her wants and her desires and had you and lost you. 2-3 years have gone by and yet we still play this game. Why? Is it fate? And why am I the last to know.

Our differences make this beautiful

I like you. No really, I legitimately have some sort of obsession with you. I don't know why or how this happened, but it's strange with how comforting you really are starting to make me feel. After the battered torn feelings I used to have about the ex, you are actually starting to make me feel alive, and something again. Opposite as we are, I like you. And I hope that's okay! I don't really have any expectations of you which is nice. I like that you say sweet things and make my heart skip. You scare me ad excite me all at the same time and I get a rush everytime your lips happen to caress mine. I dunno how long it will last, or really care at this point but right now you are everything I need and want. I like how you tower over me, and how you kiss inches of my skin just to be sweet. I like that you don't mind that I am busy and don't care who I talk to. This whole thing is unreal and I like where its headed...

The homecoming from hell

I wish I could be more excited to see the crotches, but i just can't be. The fact they are coming home on the weekend that has to be the same weekend that has to be the person that i dislike more than any other person's birthday weekend. Why this weekend? Why didn't you come home for mine? Why don't you see that it sucks way alot that you come home for this girl's who hasn't been there like I have for you. I understand yes, you will be friends with her because you were since highschool, but the things that that girl has said about me and you haven't defended me is way wrong. And the fact that you defend her when I start saying something bad sucks. It is the biggest double standard known to man and if I have to hear one more time that this weekend is just an effing coinsidence...I may slaughter the shit outta you. You both disappear from my life for months then don't come home for my 21 but you come home for hers. Wow. Great. I wish i could be excited to see you both but to be honest I am dreading it in ways. I don't wanna think about the reason you are here, granted I know I am not your main reason for your homecoming but honestly why her? I feel like our friendships are being ripped apart at the seams...I hate it. I hate that I don't want to tell them anything that is happening in my life anymore. Either because I know that one will get judgy and the other just doesn't give a damn.
I just ugh i don't want to deal.

And she invited sire to her birthday...He may go. Wtf is this world coming to?

Wino alert

Wine+ Homework= the best times ever.

I saw sire. It sucked. As whomever you are who reads this to him over the phone let him know he sucks still and is a selfish little bunny. It was awkward and painful like being a virgin again. ha.

I dunno what to blog about.

I am sick of being this awesome good kid that does homework and doesn't hang out with anyone well except her fie and reeses but other than that i hate the fact that I haven't stepped foot in to a bar scene in weeeks. And i have only been 21 for a month and 2 days i feel this is a crime that is being commited. Sorry this blog sucks...I have fricken homework to do.