I missed you, until you yelled at me.

So i decided to text sire. It wasn't even that horrible. Like we joked about baby bunz and who gets custody since the divorce, and what not and it was generally silly. We caught up and asked eachother what's new. I told him about that naughty thing that happened that smelt like blueberry muffins, told him about my birthday party, and that I was hanging out with my dearest Deli employee at the time. He told me about his obsession with crappy girlie music which obviously hasn't changed, the doctor, and that he tinted his windows. All seemed to be going so well like we started a new chapter in our lives. Until this morning?!

Sire: Do you think I am stupid?
Me:lol like with knowledge or how?

Sire: I know you weren't the fucking one texting me last night from the get go, it didn't even sound remotely like you like you so wtf you just have ppl throw shit in my face...Oh they buy me drinks Jesus you are funny.
Me: I was the one texting though... Why are you getting mad. And why exactly didn't it sound like me? I am so lost.

Sire: Everything you sent was passive aggressive shit trying to fuck with my head head so just fucking lay off...

At this point i am mega confused so i decide I am going to call to try to get him to settle and realize I was the one texting him. Not anybody else!?

Sire: I would have been fine if it was you , but it wasn't, it didn't even sound close to you.

Sire:I'm at work, so seriously idc if you smoke or get drinks bought for you, I care that you think it is funny to have people rub it in my face.

Me:IT WAS ME! and what did you expect outta me sire, do you want me to sit around crying all the time or do you want me to do stuff and have fun?!

Sire: No! I do not want you to go on crying anymore. I want you to have fun. Seriously it is but just don't expect me to be fucking blind when you throw shit in my face. Uk what though it doesn't even matter so who cares.

Me:I was the one talking to you I swear sire. You can call the deli employee and ask her. I know you don't care! You asked me what was new so i told you and now you are flippin out and i have no idea why.

Sire: I am flipping out because it seemed like i was talking to someone completely different and I didn't like it.

Me: Sire the last madame you talked to was either your girlfriend or I was yelling. What do you expect? And I am sorry if it seemed like i was throwing shit in your face it really wasn't intened and I can leave you alone, but like i told you last night I misseed talking with ya, weird, bad or indifferent that is just how it is.

Sire: Everything is fine, and like usual you win.

Me:Obviously its not fine if you are upset, and what is there to win at this point?!

Sire: I am done being upset.

Me: If you say so sire.

Sire: Sorry, believe it or not i am quite stable and i am happy. It seemed like you were trying to piss me off.

Me:Why would i do that???

Sire: Cause I broke up with you and ex's have vengeance.

Me:Really? Hm maybe other do but i was trying to just be cool calm and collective and talk to you like idk say a human.

The phone rings. And i hear his voice. Strange. Hm. Well we got it cleared up. And he is still insane and claims he never freaks out. Yeah right dudeman. Maybe we are on some kinda track to be friends but I have no idea. Clearly the opposite sex is still craaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzzy.

Downward Spiral.

It hit. The downward spiral that I have been dreading. Its hit and I don't like it. I gotta deal. I gotta cope, but is this a way of coping. Doing a thing that I didn't think I would evereverever do. That's not coping that's just stupid. I think after the spiral stops, I may find a grasp on my life. But for now I can't get that yet. Its like falling down the rabbit hole..... And not being able to climb out just yet, because the fall is soo sooo soo soo deep. Ahh... Yes.

21

I am going to turn twenty one in exactly 15 days. Thats two weeks and one day. Is that epic or what? I feel in ways it is. Maybe I won't feel like the youngin in the crowd anymore. Maybe I will become a bar hopper, join leagues and play fun games. Maybe I will meet someone amazing at a bar. Scratch that that. You can't meet anyone at a bar because the wise man told me that "Bars are to pick up chicks and bring them home and have sex with them, and don't be suprised if you happen to be a target at bars." Well I don't really want to be a target. I'm not into the promiscuity thing. Well the sober me isn't anyway, and the drunk me has contained its self a bit.

What else can I tell you about my life. I'm still mourning my loss of the dead bunny. Hahaha, at least when i type that now i chuckle instead of feeling the pain stake through my insides. Some days are good days I swear this time I don't even make it up. But other days, I wish i could erase the pain...Or at least know what is in store for the future...Will there be someone else? Well yeah i probably will move on, but I don't know what to look for in someone. Haha someone driven that isn't so antisocial that has some sort of self worth and maybe isn't so toxic? That would be a good start. Other than that what do I need to look for in someone... I don't even know where to start. Or better yet when to start. Boys like me now, but I don't know if i like them or i like the idea of them more than i like them if that makes sense. My feelings are synthetic. Like i said the idea is nice but the thought of being commited is gross har har. Maybe someday right?

Baby my hair is brown brown brown brown brown...Beeeroooowwwn! (Jason Deroulo would be so proud of my attempt to sound like him)

So I dyed my hair. Kinda to get that whole thing gone to start over does that make sense? Let madame try to explain... Someone that used to tell you they love your hair and love the smell of it you want it gone. You want to burn the memory of it out by changing the color and reinvent yourself to try to start over. I am not completely sure if my method works, but it makes me look semi megan foxy and badass knowing that its not the same hair that was once sniffed by a former sire. Knowing that its not the same hair relieves me slightly.


So its brown.

And the Bunny got away.

It hurts today. I thought I was doing a little bit better after the get away yesterday. Apparently being home completely alone without even the dog to keep me company isn't going to help me. I pick apart my brain trying to hold on to every last memory. I then pick the memory apart trying to see if there is something in it that would have gotten me to this point. Yuck I am whining again. I hate whining. I hate that that stupid boy is making me whine. Why am I holding on to something so tightly? I really need to just let it go. Sire doesn't want me. End of story. Though there are factors that are involved to that. He just doesn't. Plain and Simple. And that hurts. Sure other people may want me, but the only one that I want right now doesn't want me. Gr. I need to get off the computer. I came on to attempt making a peppy cd to show that life isn't gonna stop, which it isn't. It's a grieving process. Like someone died.

I maybe a new born vampire.

So this week was shitty. Well, okay maybe not completely shitty but still shitty. Getting broken up with, getting yelled at work constantly because well I think i find ways just to piss them off now (that's my fault haha), and to top it off this random cold that popped outta nowhere. It's a burning sensation thats constantly happening and whenever i eat or drink human food my throat aches craving more...So in conclusion, I Madame Mediocre am a vampire. Minus the striking good looks along with the grace of an angel.

Alright. I'm gonna let you in on something. I wanna talk to sire. Not talk about the break up or anything. I would rather talk about football or something. I just want to talk to him. I realize that's slightly insane and I shouldn't yet, but gosh cutting off someone you talked to for a year straight every single day....YIKES. So we're not together..Yes that happens, I was told that would happen in like health class or who knows, but he was like my best friend also and I can't loathe the guy. Okay yes I can and I do for the whole hearbreak thing, but I don't in ways because we were so close once before, and in some strange way I feel like we need to be friends. Wow that sounds nuts. Maybe i should shut my gob. I feel thats a good idea. I'm glad everyone has been super supportive of my loss? Or maybe its a gain? who knows just yet.

well, sleep is a good call. <--thats another thing that i can do that most vamps can't.
love madame mediocre

I really hate changing my realtionship status on facebook.

I have the Avenged Sevenfold cranked.

I have anger and pain in every inch of my insides. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I hate feeling that I thouht we were meant to be. I hate that you can't pick yourself up to be what not only I feel but others no the potential you have. I hate knowing that your probably smoking at least a pack of cigarettes trying to cope your feelings. I hate knowing that I won't be able to recieve good morning texts anymore. I hate the fact that when i close my eyes i can see your face just starring down at mine in that little smile the smile where i felt nothing could ever go wrong. I hate knowing that i care about you more than anyother person i have ever cared about. I hate knowing that you probably won't change, and that your probably right about us. I loved you. I still do love you. I hate this. I want this to all go away like nothing happend. It kills knowing you wouldn't fight, and you won't because you think it's really what's best for me. I miss you. I miss your touch i miss how you attempt to hide things from me but I could always tell, I miss your laugh. I miss everything. I miss that I can't say goodbye, and I can't tell your family I love them. I hate this. It feels like right at this very second i can feel you looking at your phone, sighing while just taking another puff on your cigarette. I'm sorry that I have high expectations and wanted something you couldn't give me now. I just want you to hate me. TO be completely honest i would rather have it that way then hearing those words " Yes i love you but, for you this is for you You need to move on you need to live and i can't hold you back anymore." Why can't you hate me, have done something like idk cheated on me to make this easier sire? I guess. I love you. That's all i really know. I know i can't picture my life without you I can't picture you with anyone else. I can't do this not now. I wish you could just see my side...But you can't and I guess thats okay... Well actually its not haha, but it will get better. Someday i will be able to look at those old pictures and just remember all the good times. Someday I will be able to face you. Someday. But not today. For now and fro awhile I don't think I can talk to you. I want you vanished out until the sting is gone. I want the best for you sire i hope you never think that i wouldn't but right now i hope you know what you are doing.

"Left this life to set me free, took a piece of you inside of me. All this hurt can finally fade, promise me you'll never be afraid. I hope you'll find your own way when I'm not with you tonight."

I love you. Goodbye.