Uneasy.

I dunno where to even start or how this even started. Maybe it started from the moment I kissed you in a kitchen, or the moment we slow danced to stairway to heaven by led zepplin. Maybe it was the moment we fell in and outta love or the moment you....deflowered me. I don't really know when it started or why, I just know that i laid eyes on you and I have always felt something. No mater if we were broken up or together, I turn to you every single step of the way. You have always been my support system, my best friend and my lover turned in to one beautiful individual. Even now we turn to eachother for that support. Even after the numerous times I broke your heart your still there for me. Why? I have never seen so much drive in one person. It baffles me you stilll have some fight in you for me. It actually makes me feel loved more than before. And I am sorry. SO sorry I hurt you. I was merely a tiny child unsure of her wants and her desires and had you and lost you. 2-3 years have gone by and yet we still play this game. Why? Is it fate? And why am I the last to know.

Our differences make this beautiful

I like you. No really, I legitimately have some sort of obsession with you. I don't know why or how this happened, but it's strange with how comforting you really are starting to make me feel. After the battered torn feelings I used to have about the ex, you are actually starting to make me feel alive, and something again. Opposite as we are, I like you. And I hope that's okay! I don't really have any expectations of you which is nice. I like that you say sweet things and make my heart skip. You scare me ad excite me all at the same time and I get a rush everytime your lips happen to caress mine. I dunno how long it will last, or really care at this point but right now you are everything I need and want. I like how you tower over me, and how you kiss inches of my skin just to be sweet. I like that you don't mind that I am busy and don't care who I talk to. This whole thing is unreal and I like where its headed...

The homecoming from hell

I wish I could be more excited to see the crotches, but i just can't be. The fact they are coming home on the weekend that has to be the same weekend that has to be the person that i dislike more than any other person's birthday weekend. Why this weekend? Why didn't you come home for mine? Why don't you see that it sucks way alot that you come home for this girl's who hasn't been there like I have for you. I understand yes, you will be friends with her because you were since highschool, but the things that that girl has said about me and you haven't defended me is way wrong. And the fact that you defend her when I start saying something bad sucks. It is the biggest double standard known to man and if I have to hear one more time that this weekend is just an effing coinsidence...I may slaughter the shit outta you. You both disappear from my life for months then don't come home for my 21 but you come home for hers. Wow. Great. I wish i could be excited to see you both but to be honest I am dreading it in ways. I don't wanna think about the reason you are here, granted I know I am not your main reason for your homecoming but honestly why her? I feel like our friendships are being ripped apart at the seams...I hate it. I hate that I don't want to tell them anything that is happening in my life anymore. Either because I know that one will get judgy and the other just doesn't give a damn.
I just ugh i don't want to deal.

And she invited sire to her birthday...He may go. Wtf is this world coming to?

Wino alert

Wine+ Homework= the best times ever.

I saw sire. It sucked. As whomever you are who reads this to him over the phone let him know he sucks still and is a selfish little bunny. It was awkward and painful like being a virgin again. ha.

I dunno what to blog about.

I am sick of being this awesome good kid that does homework and doesn't hang out with anyone well except her fie and reeses but other than that i hate the fact that I haven't stepped foot in to a bar scene in weeeks. And i have only been 21 for a month and 2 days i feel this is a crime that is being commited. Sorry this blog sucks...I have fricken homework to do.

I missed you, until you yelled at me.

So i decided to text sire. It wasn't even that horrible. Like we joked about baby bunz and who gets custody since the divorce, and what not and it was generally silly. We caught up and asked eachother what's new. I told him about that naughty thing that happened that smelt like blueberry muffins, told him about my birthday party, and that I was hanging out with my dearest Deli employee at the time. He told me about his obsession with crappy girlie music which obviously hasn't changed, the doctor, and that he tinted his windows. All seemed to be going so well like we started a new chapter in our lives. Until this morning?!

Sire: Do you think I am stupid?
Me:lol like with knowledge or how?

Sire: I know you weren't the fucking one texting me last night from the get go, it didn't even sound remotely like you like you so wtf you just have ppl throw shit in my face...Oh they buy me drinks Jesus you are funny.
Me: I was the one texting though... Why are you getting mad. And why exactly didn't it sound like me? I am so lost.

Sire: Everything you sent was passive aggressive shit trying to fuck with my head head so just fucking lay off...

At this point i am mega confused so i decide I am going to call to try to get him to settle and realize I was the one texting him. Not anybody else!?

Sire: I would have been fine if it was you , but it wasn't, it didn't even sound close to you.

Sire:I'm at work, so seriously idc if you smoke or get drinks bought for you, I care that you think it is funny to have people rub it in my face.

Me:IT WAS ME! and what did you expect outta me sire, do you want me to sit around crying all the time or do you want me to do stuff and have fun?!

Sire: No! I do not want you to go on crying anymore. I want you to have fun. Seriously it is but just don't expect me to be fucking blind when you throw shit in my face. Uk what though it doesn't even matter so who cares.

Me:I was the one talking to you I swear sire. You can call the deli employee and ask her. I know you don't care! You asked me what was new so i told you and now you are flippin out and i have no idea why.

Sire: I am flipping out because it seemed like i was talking to someone completely different and I didn't like it.

Me: Sire the last madame you talked to was either your girlfriend or I was yelling. What do you expect? And I am sorry if it seemed like i was throwing shit in your face it really wasn't intened and I can leave you alone, but like i told you last night I misseed talking with ya, weird, bad or indifferent that is just how it is.

Sire: Everything is fine, and like usual you win.

Me:Obviously its not fine if you are upset, and what is there to win at this point?!

Sire: I am done being upset.

Me: If you say so sire.

Sire: Sorry, believe it or not i am quite stable and i am happy. It seemed like you were trying to piss me off.

Me:Why would i do that???

Sire: Cause I broke up with you and ex's have vengeance.

Me:Really? Hm maybe other do but i was trying to just be cool calm and collective and talk to you like idk say a human.

The phone rings. And i hear his voice. Strange. Hm. Well we got it cleared up. And he is still insane and claims he never freaks out. Yeah right dudeman. Maybe we are on some kinda track to be friends but I have no idea. Clearly the opposite sex is still craaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzzy.

Downward Spiral.

It hit. The downward spiral that I have been dreading. Its hit and I don't like it. I gotta deal. I gotta cope, but is this a way of coping. Doing a thing that I didn't think I would evereverever do. That's not coping that's just stupid. I think after the spiral stops, I may find a grasp on my life. But for now I can't get that yet. Its like falling down the rabbit hole..... And not being able to climb out just yet, because the fall is soo sooo soo soo deep. Ahh... Yes.

21

I am going to turn twenty one in exactly 15 days. Thats two weeks and one day. Is that epic or what? I feel in ways it is. Maybe I won't feel like the youngin in the crowd anymore. Maybe I will become a bar hopper, join leagues and play fun games. Maybe I will meet someone amazing at a bar. Scratch that that. You can't meet anyone at a bar because the wise man told me that "Bars are to pick up chicks and bring them home and have sex with them, and don't be suprised if you happen to be a target at bars." Well I don't really want to be a target. I'm not into the promiscuity thing. Well the sober me isn't anyway, and the drunk me has contained its self a bit.

What else can I tell you about my life. I'm still mourning my loss of the dead bunny. Hahaha, at least when i type that now i chuckle instead of feeling the pain stake through my insides. Some days are good days I swear this time I don't even make it up. But other days, I wish i could erase the pain...Or at least know what is in store for the future...Will there be someone else? Well yeah i probably will move on, but I don't know what to look for in someone. Haha someone driven that isn't so antisocial that has some sort of self worth and maybe isn't so toxic? That would be a good start. Other than that what do I need to look for in someone... I don't even know where to start. Or better yet when to start. Boys like me now, but I don't know if i like them or i like the idea of them more than i like them if that makes sense. My feelings are synthetic. Like i said the idea is nice but the thought of being commited is gross har har. Maybe someday right?