Uhm Excuse me miss, but I don't enjoy your existence on planet earth.

-Agh-.

That's how i feel as I plopped down on my bed just moments ago. Agh. I woulda had today off but no, I breaded chicken...11 cases of it. Oh well, money is money right?

Has any one particular person ever just made your blood boil? Like to the point where every you hear there name it makes you just cringe and stop dead in your tracks, feeling malicious thoughts of murder. Agh. I hate this person. I hate how they are entertwined with the same group of friends as mine, I hate how the closest people I love like this person and think highly of her. I hate how this person is "innocent" but yet has the capability to back stab, blow off, and say things behind peoples back. I hate how this person can claim to get "over it" when blantently they are not over it and still to this very day hate you over a guy that they had no intention of dating in the first place. I hate how this person laughs, or doesn't have a crude bone in her entire body. I hate how they can take advantage of my best friend and yet my best friend can still defend this thing. I wish that i could make this person go away. Or just be okay with me, and apologize. "Madame isn't good enough for sire, she will corrupt him." Yes, person you sure as hell no best don't you. I hate how she hangs around with the other crotch and the other crotch likes her. If I had it my way, when and if the crotches did hang out with this person i would like them to not tell me it happened, or even mention said persons name. I would rather just act if they didn't exist thank you very much. This person is like a plague that I just can't get rid of. Or like insects that just won't get exterminated and die. Agh. Just plain Agh.

Madame Mediocre.

White Lies?

Is it wrong to tell someone something they want, but can't really get yet. They want the other person to be happy, and want to make everything work but at this very moment in time they just can't. So they keep telling the other they can make it happen, I believe they do this just because they think if they say it enough times it may come true. But the facts are right now they just can't so please, dear sire, don't keep feeding me that they can when they can't right now.

Maybe I should explain this. Sire and I have been talking about getting a place together since March. MARCH people. First he can't because he doesn't have a car, then he can't because he can't tell his parents, then he can't because he isn't sure he can budget. Now, they are all very solid reasons to wait correct, then instead of saying, "Madame, I want to so bad, you should know that." Say, "Madame, I want to live with you so bad, but maybe we should wait because I am not quite ready yet and I don't have my shit together." Yes, I may be slightly miffed but feeding me along for months at a time sire dear doesn't make me the happiest woman in the world. I understand he was just trying to spare my feelings which is nice that he cares about them, but me gettting my hopes all up and for what exactly? I would have rather had the truth then the constantly being told "madame we will make it happen." Yes we will. Someday. Not anytime in the near future.

I just, agh. I don't feel like a real life adult. Adults live by themselves and are so self sufficient, and it bothers me that I can't get to that point right now, when I really really would like to. Oh now I am using the word want all losely. See though, the difference between my want and his, my wants I can man up to and make it a reality. He just has alotta stuff to figure out before hand before he can make it a reality. So I told him tonight, "Sire I know you aren't ready so we don't have to yet. Though I am ready and would like to, I know you just aren't so please stop pretending." As much as it hurt to give up that ideal dream of mine, it felt better because it has been eating at me for sometime. I just hope he wants to be with me. Gosh I don't even wanna be with me these days.

I am over stressed. I believe that is the case. I feel used and abused at work, school I can't just jump into though I would really just like to, I don't know what my future entails. I hate my job and how hard I have to work for it. I dislike not knowing/being able to see one of the crotches whenever i so feel, I hate blemishes/ my terrible skin, I hate waking up under the roof of my parents daily and feeling like I never really accomplish anything. Gosh, I am just down right depressed. Things have to get better right? Things can only go up from here. I should probably attempt thinking more positively, but dammnit right now I just wanna sit and feel sorry for myself.

...

...

...

Times up.

Okay. Next post better be happy or else.

Love,
Madame Mediocre.

Oh I wish my life were an episode of Degrassi.

I think I work too much. Scratch that I do work too much. Next two days off, I am thinking that will make me happy and have something worthwhile to blog about though hmmm. I made this disgusting salad.

Sweet Coconut Curry Chicken Salad...Mmm

And 9 months later...

Well hello again my fellow readers. Sorry i haven't kept up throughout the weekend i was busy partying with Paris Hilton and kicking it with Areosmith. Well not that extreme but i did get to hang out with crotches this weekend as well as sire. The crotches always bring the best outta me...Or maybe the worst har har, but all I know is when I am around those two fine ladies I laugh until my spleen may explode. Ahh all the love surrounded by taco dip, 90's boy bands, gossiping, shopping steeling ones wanted purple iredesent shoes.... Man. Those two lovelys are my dearest besties, and I am not just saying that because they maybe the only two out there that read this. I like the fact that the three of us all bring something different to the table due to the fact that our personalities aren't even close to be alike, it always keeps me on my toes and ends up being a blasted good time.

Sire and I celebrated our 9 month annivarsary today. Pip Pip. No really I mean it is actually a good healthy thing for me, and it hasn't felt like that much time has actually passed at all. It's nice not getting sick of him, though yes sometimes he annoys me but i would rather have him in my life annoying me everyday than not at all...If that makes anysense? With our glorious foundation of 9 months ( I am pretty sure this is the longest i have gone without dumping and getting back together with a male ever in the history of dating) we had a lovely night friday where he cooked *gasped* and we did unreadable things, and watched wrestling. How romantic. There was a bottle of wine involved, though we had to share it with a fella named Goofer. Along with the cooked food... Ah but all the more company right? Today we went out to dinner at Culvers, though not the typical date spot everyone likes cheese curds, and saw the movie letters to Juliet. Ahh it made me wanna go to Verona Italy and see the wall. It was the cutest love movie I had ever seen. Way up there. Nicholas Sparks better watch out, thats all that i have to say.

So, something has been boggling my mind lately. Catholic religion has always been so very strict correct? Well, sire has been raised in that setting all his life and kinda hasn't followed all those rules or guidelines to being Catholic. He hasn't told his parents about us moving in together yet because he is afraid of the reaction of his parents since they are "strict" catholics. With that being said I am very afraid of once he tells them they will A) resent me B) Think I am living in a world of sin, though everyone has been raised differently and just because I am not Catholic doesn't mean I am not a christian and don't believe and everything like that C) Resent Sire and think he is living in Sin and what not. I worry about C mostly. But as all this is taking toll sire hasn't been the star kid of living up to the rules anyways...So perhaps I am overreacting and not giving them the benefit of the doubt. Which I hope is the case. But I need to keep believing and hope they will be as understanding as I know they can be...If not well I guess if things continue to grow and become more serious, Sire and myself may have to hit up Vegas. I just need to keep thinking positive and all will fall into place in time.

Well I need a rest.

Madame Mediocre

Get go out, me and all my friends, drink up and fall down..And we do it all again.

Madame feels successful.

Ah yes its one of those days. I went and toured a college today and talked about my future and classes which was actually super exciting. The campus is small but i am okay with smaller classes and sizes. Okay not like that you perves. In those sizes well MOVING ON. It's all really modern on the inside and the people and professors seem really nice. It feels like a weight has been kinda lifted off of my shoulders because all those months of not knowing and working at the slave have kinda have thier build up on my shoulders. The lady named Ashely seems nice, though she called me hun slightly to much but hey a nice lady none the less. Everything in there seemed so modern and things were all brightly colored like i could move in. It just kinda had a good feeling to it which is nice if you ask me. Not to mention with tuition the books are all PAID for. which is fantastic. Ahhh yes. It goes by quarters so you go for 2 months then you get two weeks off and then there is a two month break period but you can still attend school which confused me in the slightest. Anyways. I then took an assestment test to see where i would be placed and what not. It was easy and apparently i got high scores that lots of faculty members told me i should be proud of myself for....It was weird taking a test haha, after not doing it for months i felt like i forgot so much. Not to mention math without a graphic/scientific calendar kinda kicks your ass. But hey, at least i did well. Now the next step is to getting my transcripts from the MC. That may come as a challenge but i am sure it is doable. Ahhh. I am so relieved. Now i just gotta stay positive and stay focused. Right...Well some people will have to help me so keep that in mind. I am just so excited to be doing something with my life and getting things on track and i can't wait till i grow up and stuff. I can't wait to get an apartment in a few months and everything else! Eee.

=D Well goodnight!
Madame Mediocre

TGI Thursday?

I would like to just say i would like a day off. This blog will be short and sweet.

Good night.

Madame

Ah yes, sometimes we all need 90's pop.

"Everybody! Rock your body...Everybody rock your body right...Backstreets back all right!!"

Yes. I blared this song driving down the highway getting strange looks from cars as i passed them by. Did i care? Well yeah slightly but when you are fist pumping attempting to drop it like its hot in the drivers seat of the car, its only acceptable for people to gawk at your hot dance moves. Hence, Madame should probably just be famous.

Today was actually successful. I don't even feel bitter, just joyus and happy. The sun shone and it was a little over 50 degrees which i guess is all you can ask for. Well i would ask for the day off and it to be 78 sunny with a slight breeze so i can car wash and lay amongst the black top turning the shade of a delicious cocoie brown. Eh i can dream can't I? I actually did something productive and talked to a college advisor and have an appointment to meet with her this Thursday.

We talked about my interests for school. I may go into a young education program... I figure teaching preschools will always keep me young and on my toes, and plus who doesn't love arts and crafts, counting and learning to read and share. Ah yes. I figure i will never be a famous actress or a writer that gets published, or the big dream of a back up dancer for Britney Spears or better yet becoming famous off of some celeb scandle, like throwing up in Paris Hiltons closet or being one of Jesse James many mistresses hehe but who isn't one of those these days...Just saying. I mean preschool teaching has its ups and downs. But i feel it would be a good run for me to try, and HELL what do i actually have to lose? I mean i come up with these grand ideas and don't follow through, pretty sure that makes me a pussy. There is no other way to put that. A pussy doesn't try, attempts the easy way out and doubts themselves before any steps are even taken and plan to fail before. And i no longer wish to be assorted in the pussy category.

Speaking of pussys...Sire and I had a very good heart to heart today. It was slightly insightful and made me feel like i am actually starting to get through his beautiful thick skull. We talked about how he is afriad to fail and how he just would like to play it safe. I told him he has alot of potential and alot to offer and to stop comparing himself to everyone else and just do things for himself to make him happier in life...I mean why sit and compare to people and wish you had what they have when you have the potential to get it too? Ah yes. This brought a slight tear to Madames eye and made her feel that much closer to the kind sire. I just hope he doesn't forget and keeps a positive attitude. Gosh this mood of lack of bitter makes me seem like such a sap! Like i am losing my nasty edge.

Oh i will give you nasty edge. Tonight at Sire's abode we played this game called "Banana Grams". Basically like scrabble with out the board and no points on words but you try to not have as many letters left as the other players playing. You start off with 21 one letters and every time you use all the letters you yell peel to grab another and the first one to use all the letters goes BANANAS! Well sire's little brother always wins. No matter what he always wins its insane. And he beat me by three points outta luck with the word Yert. A yert is a Wigwam. Rickin Fricken. Then later the lil brat comes and says "Madame tomorrow you should come over and i can beat you again at Banana Grams." Oh my. I however did not lose my cool but only had thoughts about choke slamming him and shoving all the letters of yert into terrible places so he would have to have them surgically removed. There i feel better about being soo sappy before now.

Time for bed world. I will update tomorrow as i feel this good mood to shall pass after working.

Madame Mediocre

Hello,Salut, Is anybody out there?

Welcome to the world of a suburb city in the state of Wisconsin. Ah Wisconsin, with our bad accents, love for cheese, alchohol (especially beer), our extreme hate for the Vikings and the Bears, known for cold winters, and our supposid achievement of being the number one state in dairy production (which that even these days is a toss up with the whole happy cows come from California Crap), and lets not forget the whole love for our very own Green Bay Packers (whom haven't done that well since the whole Brett Farve fiasco). Yes, that is where I am from raised here for 20 years. Don't get me wrong it is really a lovely place in the summer but in the slump of spring and the dead of winter, there isn't really alot of things ya can do dontchya know hehe. Well I suppose if your into ice fishing, snowmobiling, yard work and garage sailing then hey, you should be sold and move here immediately. But try being 20 and living here.

Being 20 is slightly the most annoying part about living in Wisconsin. Okay okay, maybe not if you are someone other than me, doing something productive with your life such as, going to college, living away from home, having a well paying job and hey doing your own thing. But lets face it twenty is ridiculous because I can sell alcohol but yet I can't manage to drink it legally, and with as much stress as I put on myself these days, a drink every once in a while may take the edge off. Oh I know, stress is a part of life Madame, it's apart of growing up taking on responsibility blah blah blah. Yes, I have heard this all before once or twice from Parents, annoying relatives, the obnoxious friends who feel being motherly and lecturing me is gonna get through my thick skull ( you know i love you regardless), co-workers, and even policemen who decide to pull you over because your license plates maybe just a tad over due (well not really a tad try 11 months but still mind your own damn business gimmie the ticket so you can reach your ticket quota and move on to the next person whose day you may just ruin). Maybe I'm slightly bitter. Yes, bitter is the polite way of putting it. Uptight, undies in a wad, in dyer need of a chill pill. That's me.

I am enrolled in college. Great. Right? Then why do i feel like its not paying off. Yes in the long run it pays off Madame. Okay Fantastic, but what if I am not completely sure what i want to do with the rest of my life and i feel like picking one major is just kinda a big deal to pour money into? "But if you take time off you may never go back." Is that a bad thing? People have made it with out college. I know I WILL however be one of those that does return. I just need sometime to air out my mind and figure out what the hell I want to do. I know I sure as hell don't want to be working at Pick N Slave for the rest of my life. Pick n Slave, ah yes, its a grocery store. I work in three departments at that grocery store...Doesn't that just show I can't just make up my mind at one thing?!?! Anyways. They call me either the "Jack of All Trades" or as i like to call it the Pick n Slave Whore that just tends to get around. I am there basically everyday of my pathetic 20 year old life. I know its money, jobs are hard to find in this economy...Yup. -Thumbs up-! Hooray for that. I realize I don't have it too bad, really I do. Maybe I'm taking things for granted, but hey venting is a normally thing to do for anyone. I have great people in my life. My Parents, sisters, relatives my two best friends whom i have a long distance relationship I will call them the Crotches with and my boyfriend. Lets just call him Sire.

Sire is great...Most of the time. I don't expect perfection all the time. Lately he just hasn't manned up. We are looking into getting an apartment right? It's very exciting i have all the cute kitchen gadgets and a George Foreman grill just aching to be used...But I have to keep putting it off because for one thing he doesn't have a car right now..Well that just makes him sound like a deadbeat when that isn't the case at all. He actually donated his car to a lady who was in more need of it then he was hence why he is great amazing, blah blah blah Madame don't make me puke on my computer screen. But him not having a vehicle means we can't get a place until he gets one and he is being soooo picky because he is such a yuppy with cars. "Oh it has to be nice and something I like and hopefully its European." What sort of unrealistic twenty year old man can afford a car payment on a European car? AND the insurance. I understand having a nice car would be great. But it isn't a reality unless A) Your parents buy it for you. B) You are loaded. C) You win it. None of these are in play for Sire here so he needs to just get real, settle for something nice, but not anything extravagant and just move on with it. Talking to him about this is like talking to a wall though. He's sooo stubborn and is pride gets in the way with everything. Men. I suppose i can hope for the best and things will eventually work themselves out. And if they don't and things get ugly I am officially switching teams. But I won't let that happen so for now i will just keep my hetero self under control with some binging on the finer foods such as chocolate and nerds while drinking various liquids that i maybe able to get my little paws on.

I wish patience came to me more naturally. Along with model good looks and being a daughter of Donald Trump. The first part I will work on. Well this was a fun first blog.

Madame Mediocre