We're gonna break in the new year the right way

What a year.

School. A massacre of all breakups that suck the life out of you until NOW. It's time. It's time for change and its time to move on and do something. So for the New year I want several a thangs. How about some resolutions to issues.

1) I want to do better in school. I switched my program to go into Human Services which is kinda exciting.
2) Get a second job waitressing like 3 nights a week along with maintain the same shitty shifts at the place that i love to hate...Pick n Slave.
3) I don't want to drink as much. Social drinking fine, but drinking to the point of disgustingness and drunkenness.
4) Stay in this relationship even though he's gonna be gone for ages, but letters and stuff are sweet and I like him way alot and I like that things are the way they are and i like him. :) I can have an attention span for someone that plays me the backstreet boys, loves Megan Fox and enjoys Seann William Scott. Not only that.... He's got rock hard abs and a perfect smile.. I think I have died and gone to heaven.
5) I need to work out. I need to go to a gym and get this flab into nice ab?? Yeah I tried to rhyme but that didn't work.
6) Try not to take things so personally.
7) Move out by the summer.
8) Manage my time way more wisely.
9) Go out of state for a week-a weekend
10) Just try to keep a positive attitude, even when things look down.

Yup Yay for new Years and yay for change.

Swallow my doubt...Turn it inside out.

I'm confused. i don't really know what else to say. I am just legit confused about things. I don't know if its worth it to stay with someone who...is so selfish? Maybe selfish isn't the right word...I can't please everyone all the time. Though I wish i totally could i can't. It sucks. Maybe we've spent too much time together lately. Maybe I feel like you take advantage of me in ways. I mean you guilt trip me because i can't spend every waking second with you...I mean that kinda makes me feel mega smothered. I like the attention sure, but its not the kinda attention I like. I don't like that you made me cry twice in one day. I don't like fact that he thinks I am some kind of mircale given to him to help him outta his rut...I can't. I don't feel like that great person you described me as I really kinda hate it. It makes me feel like I am some unreal person. I don't think I am that great. I am just meeeee.... He calls me beautiful and stuff alot and I just ugh I don't know...I am way too annoyed right now. I am sick of partying. I am sick of drinking. I am sick of becoming a dragon, i am sick of thinking about you right now. Its confusing me. I don't like feeling pressured that I am the one thats gonna turn your life around. I am so confused

We are who we are

I hate days like today. I hated thinking about the sire days today and having flashbacks in my head. It made me slightly queesy and uneasy thinking about it. Thinkinga bout it makes me feel like I lost who that person was. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It just kinda is odd knowing I am not the same girl I was in July, like the world has shifted and pangea fell apart. Not saying I don't know who I am anymore, just saying that its odd because I have doing certain things that are quite outta character to who I once was...If that even makes any sense at all.

Sometimes I wonder if he ever looked into my baby blue eyes n asked him did I just father the most insignificant asshole of the twenty-first century?

I'm cranky. No cranky is an understatement. I am downright just pissed off. This will be a massive tangent about work. And for that I apologize, I mean really who wants to hear about deli drama at a grocery store? I work my ass off. No literally, I run around that deli like its a track, a triathalon is a better way to put it. I do things that others can't and am as close to full time as one could get. I make sandwhiches and all the crappy little things that need to be put out for hungry customers. Then after a long day of working and staying another half hour over my scheduled time, I get poked at. "Madame is slow and needs to make sandwhiches a little faster." "Do ya see how she cuts the bread so unevenely?" Massive giggles in the breakroom erupt and i stare in silence wondering wtf i did to deserve that kind of remark. Granted they were just poking fun. BUT it's not fun. I ask for a raise get laughed at, and deal with sooo much shit that others wouldn't dream of putting up with back there. So I told my laughing manager she can do the island stuff from now on since I am not up to her standards and then said but it may require waiting on people... And she gave me the same look i had when she was giggling. She doesn't do anything. Pretty sure she could be partially unalive for how much she actually contributes. WOOPIE she can order, pretty sure if I was taught legitimately I could do her job. I hate that place. I hate it more than anything. EVER.


I hate this unsettled feeling of what's right and wrong and what I need and what I don't. I wish I could just go up to a counter and order what kinda guy I would like, and within five minutes *DING* your orders ready. It's not that I'm not happy with what I have now...He's sweet, and likes football and playing guitar, and writing songs (one about me which pretty much makes a girl weak in the knees) he's smart and knows what he wants...Which is pretty sexy. Then I am all hung up on the ex we'll call him tiger just for old time sake. He's just security, with a shmexy bod and beautiful sideburns, he makes me laugh, I can be 100% myself with him, sometimes though i felt like there wasn't always a spark but there is obviously something since I am drawn to him, but not only that, there is a huge history there. He wants me to open up and talk to him about some things and I don't know how to. Basically it goes is it ever gonna happen or isn't it? And if it is are the relationships we are in worth hurting? I don't know. I can't gurentee that. Besides right now i like this other guy a lot because it's simple and not complicated and I need that. I need the feeling of a vacation he gives me and makes feel wanted, i love that feeling. And with the tiger I'm not really wanted, more or less I feel like a side project and I dislike that feeling.

Uneasy.

I dunno where to even start or how this even started. Maybe it started from the moment I kissed you in a kitchen, or the moment we slow danced to stairway to heaven by led zepplin. Maybe it was the moment we fell in and outta love or the moment you....deflowered me. I don't really know when it started or why, I just know that i laid eyes on you and I have always felt something. No mater if we were broken up or together, I turn to you every single step of the way. You have always been my support system, my best friend and my lover turned in to one beautiful individual. Even now we turn to eachother for that support. Even after the numerous times I broke your heart your still there for me. Why? I have never seen so much drive in one person. It baffles me you stilll have some fight in you for me. It actually makes me feel loved more than before. And I am sorry. SO sorry I hurt you. I was merely a tiny child unsure of her wants and her desires and had you and lost you. 2-3 years have gone by and yet we still play this game. Why? Is it fate? And why am I the last to know.

Our differences make this beautiful

I like you. No really, I legitimately have some sort of obsession with you. I don't know why or how this happened, but it's strange with how comforting you really are starting to make me feel. After the battered torn feelings I used to have about the ex, you are actually starting to make me feel alive, and something again. Opposite as we are, I like you. And I hope that's okay! I don't really have any expectations of you which is nice. I like that you say sweet things and make my heart skip. You scare me ad excite me all at the same time and I get a rush everytime your lips happen to caress mine. I dunno how long it will last, or really care at this point but right now you are everything I need and want. I like how you tower over me, and how you kiss inches of my skin just to be sweet. I like that you don't mind that I am busy and don't care who I talk to. This whole thing is unreal and I like where its headed...

The homecoming from hell

I wish I could be more excited to see the crotches, but i just can't be. The fact they are coming home on the weekend that has to be the same weekend that has to be the person that i dislike more than any other person's birthday weekend. Why this weekend? Why didn't you come home for mine? Why don't you see that it sucks way alot that you come home for this girl's who hasn't been there like I have for you. I understand yes, you will be friends with her because you were since highschool, but the things that that girl has said about me and you haven't defended me is way wrong. And the fact that you defend her when I start saying something bad sucks. It is the biggest double standard known to man and if I have to hear one more time that this weekend is just an effing coinsidence...I may slaughter the shit outta you. You both disappear from my life for months then don't come home for my 21 but you come home for hers. Wow. Great. I wish i could be excited to see you both but to be honest I am dreading it in ways. I don't wanna think about the reason you are here, granted I know I am not your main reason for your homecoming but honestly why her? I feel like our friendships are being ripped apart at the seams...I hate it. I hate that I don't want to tell them anything that is happening in my life anymore. Either because I know that one will get judgy and the other just doesn't give a damn.
I just ugh i don't want to deal.

And she invited sire to her birthday...He may go. Wtf is this world coming to?

Wino alert

Wine+ Homework= the best times ever.

I saw sire. It sucked. As whomever you are who reads this to him over the phone let him know he sucks still and is a selfish little bunny. It was awkward and painful like being a virgin again. ha.

I dunno what to blog about.

I am sick of being this awesome good kid that does homework and doesn't hang out with anyone well except her fie and reeses but other than that i hate the fact that I haven't stepped foot in to a bar scene in weeeks. And i have only been 21 for a month and 2 days i feel this is a crime that is being commited. Sorry this blog sucks...I have fricken homework to do.

I missed you, until you yelled at me.

So i decided to text sire. It wasn't even that horrible. Like we joked about baby bunz and who gets custody since the divorce, and what not and it was generally silly. We caught up and asked eachother what's new. I told him about that naughty thing that happened that smelt like blueberry muffins, told him about my birthday party, and that I was hanging out with my dearest Deli employee at the time. He told me about his obsession with crappy girlie music which obviously hasn't changed, the doctor, and that he tinted his windows. All seemed to be going so well like we started a new chapter in our lives. Until this morning?!

Sire: Do you think I am stupid?
Me:lol like with knowledge or how?

Sire: I know you weren't the fucking one texting me last night from the get go, it didn't even sound remotely like you like you so wtf you just have ppl throw shit in my face...Oh they buy me drinks Jesus you are funny.
Me: I was the one texting though... Why are you getting mad. And why exactly didn't it sound like me? I am so lost.

Sire: Everything you sent was passive aggressive shit trying to fuck with my head head so just fucking lay off...

At this point i am mega confused so i decide I am going to call to try to get him to settle and realize I was the one texting him. Not anybody else!?

Sire: I would have been fine if it was you , but it wasn't, it didn't even sound close to you.

Sire:I'm at work, so seriously idc if you smoke or get drinks bought for you, I care that you think it is funny to have people rub it in my face.

Me:IT WAS ME! and what did you expect outta me sire, do you want me to sit around crying all the time or do you want me to do stuff and have fun?!

Sire: No! I do not want you to go on crying anymore. I want you to have fun. Seriously it is but just don't expect me to be fucking blind when you throw shit in my face. Uk what though it doesn't even matter so who cares.

Me:I was the one talking to you I swear sire. You can call the deli employee and ask her. I know you don't care! You asked me what was new so i told you and now you are flippin out and i have no idea why.

Sire: I am flipping out because it seemed like i was talking to someone completely different and I didn't like it.

Me: Sire the last madame you talked to was either your girlfriend or I was yelling. What do you expect? And I am sorry if it seemed like i was throwing shit in your face it really wasn't intened and I can leave you alone, but like i told you last night I misseed talking with ya, weird, bad or indifferent that is just how it is.

Sire: Everything is fine, and like usual you win.

Me:Obviously its not fine if you are upset, and what is there to win at this point?!

Sire: I am done being upset.

Me: If you say so sire.

Sire: Sorry, believe it or not i am quite stable and i am happy. It seemed like you were trying to piss me off.

Me:Why would i do that???

Sire: Cause I broke up with you and ex's have vengeance.

Me:Really? Hm maybe other do but i was trying to just be cool calm and collective and talk to you like idk say a human.

The phone rings. And i hear his voice. Strange. Hm. Well we got it cleared up. And he is still insane and claims he never freaks out. Yeah right dudeman. Maybe we are on some kinda track to be friends but I have no idea. Clearly the opposite sex is still craaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzzy.

Downward Spiral.

It hit. The downward spiral that I have been dreading. Its hit and I don't like it. I gotta deal. I gotta cope, but is this a way of coping. Doing a thing that I didn't think I would evereverever do. That's not coping that's just stupid. I think after the spiral stops, I may find a grasp on my life. But for now I can't get that yet. Its like falling down the rabbit hole..... And not being able to climb out just yet, because the fall is soo sooo soo soo deep. Ahh... Yes.

21

I am going to turn twenty one in exactly 15 days. Thats two weeks and one day. Is that epic or what? I feel in ways it is. Maybe I won't feel like the youngin in the crowd anymore. Maybe I will become a bar hopper, join leagues and play fun games. Maybe I will meet someone amazing at a bar. Scratch that that. You can't meet anyone at a bar because the wise man told me that "Bars are to pick up chicks and bring them home and have sex with them, and don't be suprised if you happen to be a target at bars." Well I don't really want to be a target. I'm not into the promiscuity thing. Well the sober me isn't anyway, and the drunk me has contained its self a bit.

What else can I tell you about my life. I'm still mourning my loss of the dead bunny. Hahaha, at least when i type that now i chuckle instead of feeling the pain stake through my insides. Some days are good days I swear this time I don't even make it up. But other days, I wish i could erase the pain...Or at least know what is in store for the future...Will there be someone else? Well yeah i probably will move on, but I don't know what to look for in someone. Haha someone driven that isn't so antisocial that has some sort of self worth and maybe isn't so toxic? That would be a good start. Other than that what do I need to look for in someone... I don't even know where to start. Or better yet when to start. Boys like me now, but I don't know if i like them or i like the idea of them more than i like them if that makes sense. My feelings are synthetic. Like i said the idea is nice but the thought of being commited is gross har har. Maybe someday right?

Baby my hair is brown brown brown brown brown...Beeeroooowwwn! (Jason Deroulo would be so proud of my attempt to sound like him)

So I dyed my hair. Kinda to get that whole thing gone to start over does that make sense? Let madame try to explain... Someone that used to tell you they love your hair and love the smell of it you want it gone. You want to burn the memory of it out by changing the color and reinvent yourself to try to start over. I am not completely sure if my method works, but it makes me look semi megan foxy and badass knowing that its not the same hair that was once sniffed by a former sire. Knowing that its not the same hair relieves me slightly.


So its brown.

And the Bunny got away.

It hurts today. I thought I was doing a little bit better after the get away yesterday. Apparently being home completely alone without even the dog to keep me company isn't going to help me. I pick apart my brain trying to hold on to every last memory. I then pick the memory apart trying to see if there is something in it that would have gotten me to this point. Yuck I am whining again. I hate whining. I hate that that stupid boy is making me whine. Why am I holding on to something so tightly? I really need to just let it go. Sire doesn't want me. End of story. Though there are factors that are involved to that. He just doesn't. Plain and Simple. And that hurts. Sure other people may want me, but the only one that I want right now doesn't want me. Gr. I need to get off the computer. I came on to attempt making a peppy cd to show that life isn't gonna stop, which it isn't. It's a grieving process. Like someone died.

I maybe a new born vampire.

So this week was shitty. Well, okay maybe not completely shitty but still shitty. Getting broken up with, getting yelled at work constantly because well I think i find ways just to piss them off now (that's my fault haha), and to top it off this random cold that popped outta nowhere. It's a burning sensation thats constantly happening and whenever i eat or drink human food my throat aches craving more...So in conclusion, I Madame Mediocre am a vampire. Minus the striking good looks along with the grace of an angel.

Alright. I'm gonna let you in on something. I wanna talk to sire. Not talk about the break up or anything. I would rather talk about football or something. I just want to talk to him. I realize that's slightly insane and I shouldn't yet, but gosh cutting off someone you talked to for a year straight every single day....YIKES. So we're not together..Yes that happens, I was told that would happen in like health class or who knows, but he was like my best friend also and I can't loathe the guy. Okay yes I can and I do for the whole hearbreak thing, but I don't in ways because we were so close once before, and in some strange way I feel like we need to be friends. Wow that sounds nuts. Maybe i should shut my gob. I feel thats a good idea. I'm glad everyone has been super supportive of my loss? Or maybe its a gain? who knows just yet.

well, sleep is a good call. <--thats another thing that i can do that most vamps can't.
love madame mediocre

I really hate changing my realtionship status on facebook.

I have the Avenged Sevenfold cranked.

I have anger and pain in every inch of my insides. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I hate feeling that I thouht we were meant to be. I hate that you can't pick yourself up to be what not only I feel but others no the potential you have. I hate knowing that your probably smoking at least a pack of cigarettes trying to cope your feelings. I hate knowing that I won't be able to recieve good morning texts anymore. I hate the fact that when i close my eyes i can see your face just starring down at mine in that little smile the smile where i felt nothing could ever go wrong. I hate knowing that i care about you more than anyother person i have ever cared about. I hate knowing that you probably won't change, and that your probably right about us. I loved you. I still do love you. I hate this. I want this to all go away like nothing happend. It kills knowing you wouldn't fight, and you won't because you think it's really what's best for me. I miss you. I miss your touch i miss how you attempt to hide things from me but I could always tell, I miss your laugh. I miss everything. I miss that I can't say goodbye, and I can't tell your family I love them. I hate this. It feels like right at this very second i can feel you looking at your phone, sighing while just taking another puff on your cigarette. I'm sorry that I have high expectations and wanted something you couldn't give me now. I just want you to hate me. TO be completely honest i would rather have it that way then hearing those words " Yes i love you but, for you this is for you You need to move on you need to live and i can't hold you back anymore." Why can't you hate me, have done something like idk cheated on me to make this easier sire? I guess. I love you. That's all i really know. I know i can't picture my life without you I can't picture you with anyone else. I can't do this not now. I wish you could just see my side...But you can't and I guess thats okay... Well actually its not haha, but it will get better. Someday i will be able to look at those old pictures and just remember all the good times. Someday I will be able to face you. Someday. But not today. For now and fro awhile I don't think I can talk to you. I want you vanished out until the sting is gone. I want the best for you sire i hope you never think that i wouldn't but right now i hope you know what you are doing.

"Left this life to set me free, took a piece of you inside of me. All this hurt can finally fade, promise me you'll never be afraid. I hope you'll find your own way when I'm not with you tonight."

I love you. Goodbye.

That don't impress me much

I hate one uppers. I hate them. Clearly yes their lives may be better than mine due to certain extravagant things they own...But really. Wow. They drive me nuts. NUTS I TELL YOU. I hate also how people think they know everything, that thier thoughts out rule everyone elses and that they are like Gods gift to the planet. I dislike people. Now is that a problem? Well i suppose. BUT oh well. Madame why are your emotions and thoughts like a roller coaster all the time??
Because. I said so.

AND you can't disagree because, hah i only kid readers.

2 day suspensions are once in a life time opportunities to make magic happen...Or to just lay outside and soak up the rays. BUT if i was like the person above lets call them the Canadian, I could have taken a road trip, gotten a tattoo, impregnated a stripper named Lavern in Austrailia and made it home by say... 12 p.m. Ugh. No what else i hate? When your texting someone and they just disappear for like 24 hours for no explaination. Thats also very errking. So like Shania, That don't impress me much..(Ohh Ohh Ohh).

Oh and i dislike snitches and dislike pns. That is all
But I like that you read this, and like that you probably want to argue with me but don't. AH yes I love that. And I wish my life was a drama filled degrassi episode. SO I wouldn't be oh so boring. 50 days kids till i turn 21 and i want you all to get me something fabulous...But a Happy Birthday Madame will suffice.

Love always,
XOXOXOXOXOX
MaDaMe MeDiOcRe <- how cool

Overwhelmed, and eating Oreos to cope

Baaaah! So. That is how i would like to start this post off. Yes baaaah, not so much a sheep baaaah but a screaming sort of agony baaah. Now how are you my little readers and wanders of the blogging world? Oh fantastic. Seeing as noone reads this, but what do I care. As many know I have started back at school. It's my third week so far and things to be going well. Minus my english class learning about plural possessives. Ugh. Seriously who cares where I put my apostrophe? Evidently it matters. But since I don't even get the time to write why should I care where I shove an apostrophe? I will tell you plenty of places I wouldn't mind shoving it...

That's enough outta you madame, you're making the children squeemish. Now, whomever made TV shows that makes life look oh so wonderful and easy without cares or finiances or cancerous parents in the world are full of shit and I would like to sue them all for corrupting my brain with such nonsense that life could ever be as flipping wonderful as they put on tv. Maybe I will just sue Hollywood. Craig Fergusen would be all up on my side.

I'm just ranting because I have a lot on my plate right now, and my appitite is rather diminished for I have already had one helping =] . Now, readers, friends, family, strangers, aliens, or anyone who reads... Please give me a list of coping techniques that don't require anything of the oreo nature or guns. That is your task.

Love always,
Madame Mediocre...Not to be confused with madame degrassi who wrote kinky vampire stories about Declan.

But I love the way you lie

Oh my dear fans. Ha if i would like to call you that. You really aren't fans at all just some close friends that actually like to know the brutal details of my oh so famous life...At least as they are portrayed in my head. I would first like to apologize for the lack of ambition to right. Somedays I would really feel like writing, but other days eh. Today I just thought i would pop up and show you I am still around babbling my rants out to the website as I normally would.

Now, let's start the fun shall we?

I started school this week. It actually isn't terrible. Well so far. I do enjoy the fact I only have to go 2 days a week. It is a nice break from the beatings that Pick N Slaves deli like to give. I also don't mind getting up at eight. It is not a terrible time of morning to get up. Ah yes. My classes have all been in the same room. But I like to switch spots all the time so it doesn't bother me too much spending 6ish hours of the day in there. My classes thus far have been good. I have gotten all of my homework done and now get to enjoy the long weekend. So I am not complaining about school...yet. I am sure that will likely happen at some point in the next ten weeks of the term.

Hmm what else is new? Ooo! I am getting a wii! I am super mega stoked to be gaming it up. Yes, for all the readers that didn't know... I am a massive gaming whore freak of the nature of Nintendo systems bahaha. This is all too much excitement for me.

My love life is still consistant with sire. Sure we have our squabbles ever now and again of the same pressing topic of his future... But you can't rush that. Though if i could i most certainly would, though i can not so until then I just have to rot...Dr.Suess action in there. Or I maybe come a rap sensation!
SPEAKING OF RAP SENSATIONS! I love Eminem. Maybe one day he will read my pathetic blog laugh and write a mean rap about it. I feel like that would complete my life. Maybe I shall add that to my bucket list. #167. Be the foundation of Eminem's rap. No. I doubt that will ever happen, but until then I love him.

The crotches are good. I love being able to see them on a more regular basis. It fills my heart with joy and makes me want to frolic. We must find one matey mate sometime. I mean we came close with a waiter in the Wisconsin dells but I am pretty positive that he still is in his teenage years and we are trying to keep her away from what we call Jailbait or Cougar land.

Did you hear Justin Bieber isn't dead? Shame.
Did you hear Kristen Stewart still is playing Bella? Bigger Shame.
Did you hear Megan Fox is married? Biggest Shame ever. That means 1. I wasn't even invited. 2. My chances of ever meeting her and making out with her have become even more slim then before. 3. Secret weddings are so lame. Ah.

Oh speaking of Megan. I was even gonna go see Jonah Hex. Really? It looks like a terrible movie but I was gonna fund my 7 dollars just to make her feel like a semi successful actress, but lets face the facts. She sucks. She sounds like a beverly hills bimbo stuck on an oxygen tank, and the only good part about her are her legs.. This is just my bitterness sinking in. Her husband is a lucky bitch. I hate them both.
Well that was a nice update.
Signing off with love to all (except Mrs. Idon'tevenknowherlastnamenowitbetterbehyphenated)
Madame Mediocre

Just shut your fricken gob okay?

Righteous.

Three days off from splendid pick n save sure did a world of good for Madame here. I feel clensed from the inside and out. Like my inner chi finally got set back on track. Or maybe its because i sat around on a rainy saturday watching movies such as Ferris Buellers day Off, Angus Thongs and Full Frontal Snoggin, Toy Story, and then Juno. Ah yes. Cable TV has never felt so good for my eyes.

Then my glorious friday night was a fantastical night filled with Texas Road House getting my necklace fixed talking alone with my lovely Ice Crotch, speaking with a british accent, weirding out Ice crotches baby sisters boyfriend, starting a fire, getting invited over for a sleep over by a mother who did not used to be very fond of me, drinking pleanty of wine of various tastes but after one-2 glasses go down i feel they all start tasting just as splendid as the others, then drunken banana grams which lead to staying up until three finishing off the bottle and then passing out on the basement floor next to my beautiful steel crotch as we listen to Ice crotches snores and how she even tends to hog the floor. Ah yes a great night filled with love and laughter with the two craziest lasses i know. Including myself. Ah yes and who could forget the Knitsex. I am just saying, it was quite hilarious at the time and it made me love my ladies more. Which is what we need just to know we are still bonded together. If i could marry them both legally without looking like A) a major lezzie B) it being against the law to be married to more than one person C) knowing there is no physical chemistry between the three of us (Which may be an understatment because Ice Crotch always finds a way to fondle our nungs with harsh hits). Then maybe i would actually consider marrying them. Our wedding would be grand. 7000 ppl would be there and love us all. What exactly do you wear to this? I'm not quite sure. But with that thought i shall go to bed.

Good night world.
Madame Mediocre

Uhm Excuse me miss, but I don't enjoy your existence on planet earth.

-Agh-.

That's how i feel as I plopped down on my bed just moments ago. Agh. I woulda had today off but no, I breaded chicken...11 cases of it. Oh well, money is money right?

Has any one particular person ever just made your blood boil? Like to the point where every you hear there name it makes you just cringe and stop dead in your tracks, feeling malicious thoughts of murder. Agh. I hate this person. I hate how they are entertwined with the same group of friends as mine, I hate how the closest people I love like this person and think highly of her. I hate how this person is "innocent" but yet has the capability to back stab, blow off, and say things behind peoples back. I hate how this person can claim to get "over it" when blantently they are not over it and still to this very day hate you over a guy that they had no intention of dating in the first place. I hate how this person laughs, or doesn't have a crude bone in her entire body. I hate how they can take advantage of my best friend and yet my best friend can still defend this thing. I wish that i could make this person go away. Or just be okay with me, and apologize. "Madame isn't good enough for sire, she will corrupt him." Yes, person you sure as hell no best don't you. I hate how she hangs around with the other crotch and the other crotch likes her. If I had it my way, when and if the crotches did hang out with this person i would like them to not tell me it happened, or even mention said persons name. I would rather just act if they didn't exist thank you very much. This person is like a plague that I just can't get rid of. Or like insects that just won't get exterminated and die. Agh. Just plain Agh.

Madame Mediocre.

White Lies?

Is it wrong to tell someone something they want, but can't really get yet. They want the other person to be happy, and want to make everything work but at this very moment in time they just can't. So they keep telling the other they can make it happen, I believe they do this just because they think if they say it enough times it may come true. But the facts are right now they just can't so please, dear sire, don't keep feeding me that they can when they can't right now.

Maybe I should explain this. Sire and I have been talking about getting a place together since March. MARCH people. First he can't because he doesn't have a car, then he can't because he can't tell his parents, then he can't because he isn't sure he can budget. Now, they are all very solid reasons to wait correct, then instead of saying, "Madame, I want to so bad, you should know that." Say, "Madame, I want to live with you so bad, but maybe we should wait because I am not quite ready yet and I don't have my shit together." Yes, I may be slightly miffed but feeding me along for months at a time sire dear doesn't make me the happiest woman in the world. I understand he was just trying to spare my feelings which is nice that he cares about them, but me gettting my hopes all up and for what exactly? I would have rather had the truth then the constantly being told "madame we will make it happen." Yes we will. Someday. Not anytime in the near future.

I just, agh. I don't feel like a real life adult. Adults live by themselves and are so self sufficient, and it bothers me that I can't get to that point right now, when I really really would like to. Oh now I am using the word want all losely. See though, the difference between my want and his, my wants I can man up to and make it a reality. He just has alotta stuff to figure out before hand before he can make it a reality. So I told him tonight, "Sire I know you aren't ready so we don't have to yet. Though I am ready and would like to, I know you just aren't so please stop pretending." As much as it hurt to give up that ideal dream of mine, it felt better because it has been eating at me for sometime. I just hope he wants to be with me. Gosh I don't even wanna be with me these days.

I am over stressed. I believe that is the case. I feel used and abused at work, school I can't just jump into though I would really just like to, I don't know what my future entails. I hate my job and how hard I have to work for it. I dislike not knowing/being able to see one of the crotches whenever i so feel, I hate blemishes/ my terrible skin, I hate waking up under the roof of my parents daily and feeling like I never really accomplish anything. Gosh, I am just down right depressed. Things have to get better right? Things can only go up from here. I should probably attempt thinking more positively, but dammnit right now I just wanna sit and feel sorry for myself.

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Times up.

Okay. Next post better be happy or else.

Love,
Madame Mediocre.

Oh I wish my life were an episode of Degrassi.

I think I work too much. Scratch that I do work too much. Next two days off, I am thinking that will make me happy and have something worthwhile to blog about though hmmm. I made this disgusting salad.

Sweet Coconut Curry Chicken Salad...Mmm

And 9 months later...

Well hello again my fellow readers. Sorry i haven't kept up throughout the weekend i was busy partying with Paris Hilton and kicking it with Areosmith. Well not that extreme but i did get to hang out with crotches this weekend as well as sire. The crotches always bring the best outta me...Or maybe the worst har har, but all I know is when I am around those two fine ladies I laugh until my spleen may explode. Ahh all the love surrounded by taco dip, 90's boy bands, gossiping, shopping steeling ones wanted purple iredesent shoes.... Man. Those two lovelys are my dearest besties, and I am not just saying that because they maybe the only two out there that read this. I like the fact that the three of us all bring something different to the table due to the fact that our personalities aren't even close to be alike, it always keeps me on my toes and ends up being a blasted good time.

Sire and I celebrated our 9 month annivarsary today. Pip Pip. No really I mean it is actually a good healthy thing for me, and it hasn't felt like that much time has actually passed at all. It's nice not getting sick of him, though yes sometimes he annoys me but i would rather have him in my life annoying me everyday than not at all...If that makes anysense? With our glorious foundation of 9 months ( I am pretty sure this is the longest i have gone without dumping and getting back together with a male ever in the history of dating) we had a lovely night friday where he cooked *gasped* and we did unreadable things, and watched wrestling. How romantic. There was a bottle of wine involved, though we had to share it with a fella named Goofer. Along with the cooked food... Ah but all the more company right? Today we went out to dinner at Culvers, though not the typical date spot everyone likes cheese curds, and saw the movie letters to Juliet. Ahh it made me wanna go to Verona Italy and see the wall. It was the cutest love movie I had ever seen. Way up there. Nicholas Sparks better watch out, thats all that i have to say.

So, something has been boggling my mind lately. Catholic religion has always been so very strict correct? Well, sire has been raised in that setting all his life and kinda hasn't followed all those rules or guidelines to being Catholic. He hasn't told his parents about us moving in together yet because he is afraid of the reaction of his parents since they are "strict" catholics. With that being said I am very afraid of once he tells them they will A) resent me B) Think I am living in a world of sin, though everyone has been raised differently and just because I am not Catholic doesn't mean I am not a christian and don't believe and everything like that C) Resent Sire and think he is living in Sin and what not. I worry about C mostly. But as all this is taking toll sire hasn't been the star kid of living up to the rules anyways...So perhaps I am overreacting and not giving them the benefit of the doubt. Which I hope is the case. But I need to keep believing and hope they will be as understanding as I know they can be...If not well I guess if things continue to grow and become more serious, Sire and myself may have to hit up Vegas. I just need to keep thinking positive and all will fall into place in time.

Well I need a rest.

Madame Mediocre

Get go out, me and all my friends, drink up and fall down..And we do it all again.

Madame feels successful.

Ah yes its one of those days. I went and toured a college today and talked about my future and classes which was actually super exciting. The campus is small but i am okay with smaller classes and sizes. Okay not like that you perves. In those sizes well MOVING ON. It's all really modern on the inside and the people and professors seem really nice. It feels like a weight has been kinda lifted off of my shoulders because all those months of not knowing and working at the slave have kinda have thier build up on my shoulders. The lady named Ashely seems nice, though she called me hun slightly to much but hey a nice lady none the less. Everything in there seemed so modern and things were all brightly colored like i could move in. It just kinda had a good feeling to it which is nice if you ask me. Not to mention with tuition the books are all PAID for. which is fantastic. Ahhh yes. It goes by quarters so you go for 2 months then you get two weeks off and then there is a two month break period but you can still attend school which confused me in the slightest. Anyways. I then took an assestment test to see where i would be placed and what not. It was easy and apparently i got high scores that lots of faculty members told me i should be proud of myself for....It was weird taking a test haha, after not doing it for months i felt like i forgot so much. Not to mention math without a graphic/scientific calendar kinda kicks your ass. But hey, at least i did well. Now the next step is to getting my transcripts from the MC. That may come as a challenge but i am sure it is doable. Ahhh. I am so relieved. Now i just gotta stay positive and stay focused. Right...Well some people will have to help me so keep that in mind. I am just so excited to be doing something with my life and getting things on track and i can't wait till i grow up and stuff. I can't wait to get an apartment in a few months and everything else! Eee.

=D Well goodnight!
Madame Mediocre

TGI Thursday?

I would like to just say i would like a day off. This blog will be short and sweet.

Good night.

Madame

Ah yes, sometimes we all need 90's pop.

"Everybody! Rock your body...Everybody rock your body right...Backstreets back all right!!"

Yes. I blared this song driving down the highway getting strange looks from cars as i passed them by. Did i care? Well yeah slightly but when you are fist pumping attempting to drop it like its hot in the drivers seat of the car, its only acceptable for people to gawk at your hot dance moves. Hence, Madame should probably just be famous.

Today was actually successful. I don't even feel bitter, just joyus and happy. The sun shone and it was a little over 50 degrees which i guess is all you can ask for. Well i would ask for the day off and it to be 78 sunny with a slight breeze so i can car wash and lay amongst the black top turning the shade of a delicious cocoie brown. Eh i can dream can't I? I actually did something productive and talked to a college advisor and have an appointment to meet with her this Thursday.

We talked about my interests for school. I may go into a young education program... I figure teaching preschools will always keep me young and on my toes, and plus who doesn't love arts and crafts, counting and learning to read and share. Ah yes. I figure i will never be a famous actress or a writer that gets published, or the big dream of a back up dancer for Britney Spears or better yet becoming famous off of some celeb scandle, like throwing up in Paris Hiltons closet or being one of Jesse James many mistresses hehe but who isn't one of those these days...Just saying. I mean preschool teaching has its ups and downs. But i feel it would be a good run for me to try, and HELL what do i actually have to lose? I mean i come up with these grand ideas and don't follow through, pretty sure that makes me a pussy. There is no other way to put that. A pussy doesn't try, attempts the easy way out and doubts themselves before any steps are even taken and plan to fail before. And i no longer wish to be assorted in the pussy category.

Speaking of pussys...Sire and I had a very good heart to heart today. It was slightly insightful and made me feel like i am actually starting to get through his beautiful thick skull. We talked about how he is afriad to fail and how he just would like to play it safe. I told him he has alot of potential and alot to offer and to stop comparing himself to everyone else and just do things for himself to make him happier in life...I mean why sit and compare to people and wish you had what they have when you have the potential to get it too? Ah yes. This brought a slight tear to Madames eye and made her feel that much closer to the kind sire. I just hope he doesn't forget and keeps a positive attitude. Gosh this mood of lack of bitter makes me seem like such a sap! Like i am losing my nasty edge.

Oh i will give you nasty edge. Tonight at Sire's abode we played this game called "Banana Grams". Basically like scrabble with out the board and no points on words but you try to not have as many letters left as the other players playing. You start off with 21 one letters and every time you use all the letters you yell peel to grab another and the first one to use all the letters goes BANANAS! Well sire's little brother always wins. No matter what he always wins its insane. And he beat me by three points outta luck with the word Yert. A yert is a Wigwam. Rickin Fricken. Then later the lil brat comes and says "Madame tomorrow you should come over and i can beat you again at Banana Grams." Oh my. I however did not lose my cool but only had thoughts about choke slamming him and shoving all the letters of yert into terrible places so he would have to have them surgically removed. There i feel better about being soo sappy before now.

Time for bed world. I will update tomorrow as i feel this good mood to shall pass after working.

Madame Mediocre

Hello,Salut, Is anybody out there?

Welcome to the world of a suburb city in the state of Wisconsin. Ah Wisconsin, with our bad accents, love for cheese, alchohol (especially beer), our extreme hate for the Vikings and the Bears, known for cold winters, and our supposid achievement of being the number one state in dairy production (which that even these days is a toss up with the whole happy cows come from California Crap), and lets not forget the whole love for our very own Green Bay Packers (whom haven't done that well since the whole Brett Farve fiasco). Yes, that is where I am from raised here for 20 years. Don't get me wrong it is really a lovely place in the summer but in the slump of spring and the dead of winter, there isn't really alot of things ya can do dontchya know hehe. Well I suppose if your into ice fishing, snowmobiling, yard work and garage sailing then hey, you should be sold and move here immediately. But try being 20 and living here.

Being 20 is slightly the most annoying part about living in Wisconsin. Okay okay, maybe not if you are someone other than me, doing something productive with your life such as, going to college, living away from home, having a well paying job and hey doing your own thing. But lets face it twenty is ridiculous because I can sell alcohol but yet I can't manage to drink it legally, and with as much stress as I put on myself these days, a drink every once in a while may take the edge off. Oh I know, stress is a part of life Madame, it's apart of growing up taking on responsibility blah blah blah. Yes, I have heard this all before once or twice from Parents, annoying relatives, the obnoxious friends who feel being motherly and lecturing me is gonna get through my thick skull ( you know i love you regardless), co-workers, and even policemen who decide to pull you over because your license plates maybe just a tad over due (well not really a tad try 11 months but still mind your own damn business gimmie the ticket so you can reach your ticket quota and move on to the next person whose day you may just ruin). Maybe I'm slightly bitter. Yes, bitter is the polite way of putting it. Uptight, undies in a wad, in dyer need of a chill pill. That's me.

I am enrolled in college. Great. Right? Then why do i feel like its not paying off. Yes in the long run it pays off Madame. Okay Fantastic, but what if I am not completely sure what i want to do with the rest of my life and i feel like picking one major is just kinda a big deal to pour money into? "But if you take time off you may never go back." Is that a bad thing? People have made it with out college. I know I WILL however be one of those that does return. I just need sometime to air out my mind and figure out what the hell I want to do. I know I sure as hell don't want to be working at Pick N Slave for the rest of my life. Pick n Slave, ah yes, its a grocery store. I work in three departments at that grocery store...Doesn't that just show I can't just make up my mind at one thing?!?! Anyways. They call me either the "Jack of All Trades" or as i like to call it the Pick n Slave Whore that just tends to get around. I am there basically everyday of my pathetic 20 year old life. I know its money, jobs are hard to find in this economy...Yup. -Thumbs up-! Hooray for that. I realize I don't have it too bad, really I do. Maybe I'm taking things for granted, but hey venting is a normally thing to do for anyone. I have great people in my life. My Parents, sisters, relatives my two best friends whom i have a long distance relationship I will call them the Crotches with and my boyfriend. Lets just call him Sire.

Sire is great...Most of the time. I don't expect perfection all the time. Lately he just hasn't manned up. We are looking into getting an apartment right? It's very exciting i have all the cute kitchen gadgets and a George Foreman grill just aching to be used...But I have to keep putting it off because for one thing he doesn't have a car right now..Well that just makes him sound like a deadbeat when that isn't the case at all. He actually donated his car to a lady who was in more need of it then he was hence why he is great amazing, blah blah blah Madame don't make me puke on my computer screen. But him not having a vehicle means we can't get a place until he gets one and he is being soooo picky because he is such a yuppy with cars. "Oh it has to be nice and something I like and hopefully its European." What sort of unrealistic twenty year old man can afford a car payment on a European car? AND the insurance. I understand having a nice car would be great. But it isn't a reality unless A) Your parents buy it for you. B) You are loaded. C) You win it. None of these are in play for Sire here so he needs to just get real, settle for something nice, but not anything extravagant and just move on with it. Talking to him about this is like talking to a wall though. He's sooo stubborn and is pride gets in the way with everything. Men. I suppose i can hope for the best and things will eventually work themselves out. And if they don't and things get ugly I am officially switching teams. But I won't let that happen so for now i will just keep my hetero self under control with some binging on the finer foods such as chocolate and nerds while drinking various liquids that i maybe able to get my little paws on.

I wish patience came to me more naturally. Along with model good looks and being a daughter of Donald Trump. The first part I will work on. Well this was a fun first blog.

Madame Mediocre